Gone to see a man about a cowbell

Dear Littler B,

Public Domain,
https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=114302

It has been a month of Sundays since I have written, and for that I apologize. It has been an interesting two months. I feel bad at having left you mid-theme, mid-AtoZ challenge completed. I don't usually back down from a challenge as you well may know (seeing as you are me just very much younger), that is one thing that doesn't change. I do however know when to take a hiatus from something when the emergency need arises and priorities have to shuffle.  Don't despair, some day not too long from mow I will pick back up with Nightshade.


In the mean time, here I am just simply me again wanting to say hello.



I can't quite believe how much my life has changed here in my present, your future.  Things have happened on all levels of the oh shit/Yay spectrum. I know I probably left you scared having disappeared for as long as I have without a letter to let you know how things will shake out.  I don't want you to fear my baby girl. You are strong and resilient. If there is one gift the great goddess has bestowed upon you it is that you are a survivor and find a way to make things work.

This time it was not on your own though and I really give credit to the amazing kind of people you allow in your life over the years to come.  Acceptance of the loss of the physical things was an easy one.  You never have been a material kinda gal any-who. The grieving process of losing the man who was once your husband and is now essentially a 5 year old (temper tantrums and all) has however not been an easy one. When having to return to the ICU with yet another stroke, two weeks after getting out of the month long rehabilitation after the previous one - there really is no easy way to handle it. You will go into shock baby girl. Study up so you know what that means, sick to your stomach and all; so that you can make the make the moment it happens not about you.  I think I pulled it off, but it was difficult. The biggest thing to get used to is the feeling of loneliness that you will feel. Don't ponder in it too long. Moping doesn't become you.

That brings us through April and to May. We've temporarily landed at Anthony's house.  His beautiful loving wife to be is so head strong and smart that they have purchased a house and are allowing us to stay here while I find a way to recover. It is very taxing for all of us, but remember baby girl you have to weather the storm to see the rainbow. Keep your eyes and ears open, because sweet child you will at this time come across an opportunity for a job that will make you happier than any other in your life, for many reasons. The biggest thing is that you will become me on the other side of the tragedy, open your eyes in the morning smile and continue smiling until your eyes close at the end of the night. Truly life changing.

 "When All Else Fails, Add More Cowbell...

I will tell you more about it maybe one day, or just let you be surprised when you get here. All you need to know is that when life becomes so rough, abstract and disconnected, when you don't know if you will make it through - I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel. There will be a cure for it coming down the pike.....

In the mean time I will leave you with an amazing piece of news to look forward to. You are going to finally have a new baby in the family. Anthony is going to be a daddy. The debate has begun in your head at what we will be called (Mama like our mom, Granny, Grandma.... as long as it is never Nanny or MeeMaw lol). 8 years older than mom when we will become this exciting status, but well worth the wait as it took getting here for him to find this amazing and wonderful girl to spend the rest of his life with.




Truly looking back in wonder,

Bigger Little B



Music That Made The Mood


Dixie Chicks - Cowboy, Take Me Away
I Grieve - Peter Gabriel
Look What They've Done Ma - Miley Sirus
Whats Going On? - 4 Non Blondes
Roar - Katy Perry
If I Die Young - The Band Perry
I Try - Macy Gray
Into the Mystic - Van Morrison
Wake Me Up - Avicii
Strawberry Wine - Deana Carter

Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
All of Me - John Legend

Message of Love

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT TOBY'S GO FUND ME. EVEN A DOLLAR GOES A LONG WAY!


Dear Littler Me,

I am writing to you today across the many years from the 3rd hospital cafeteria in less than two weeks.  It has been a long haul already and we have so much longer to go. I hope you have not been feeling neglected, but it will be some time longer to get through this and back to our normal correspondence.

I will tell you that you are stubborn and strong and will get through this. I'm not sure when or how but you will. You are going to hurt very badly physically and emotionally but you can and will do this.  You are going to have times you will feel sorry for yourself (like yesterday which was our wedding anniversary) and then you are going to hate yourself for even thinking those feelings.

People are telling you that all this is normal but quite honestly none of this shit is normal. Just a heads up. They will all also be obsessed with you eating for some reason. Everyone who is anyone is also telling me now, more than ever I need to sit and write. ESPECIALLY Toby himself. (He's actually being a big pest about it, so here I am for the first time since this all went down)


Our wedding song which I listened to several times yesterday which was a change up from @BillyBoydActor who I have had on loop for a week and a half solid.

Right now I am going to seaway into the actual story that has happened up to here.  The woman in me that is fighting to keep her physical pain and anxiety issues at bay would tell you to look away from the page until I tell you it's ok to look again so that you don't freak about the things you are going to go through when you become me. I would tell you nothing that would have you not find this man when the time comes and spend every waking and sleeping that second you can with him.

 I will let that choice be yours and as you are me, I know you will read every bit.

*****INSERT SPOILERS HERE*******

A week ago Saturday we ended up in the local emergency room at St. Thomas Rutherford as he had a migraine headache.  The headaches are not new so we thought it was just get something for it, sleep it off and wake in the morning and he would be fine.

Unfortunately, a 14cm aneurysm was located in his basal artery in his brain. It was bad enough that the doctor on call did not feel comfortable keeping him there at the hospital, he wanted him transferred to St. Thomas West.  He was transported to Nashville at about 2 AM and he made me go home for the night. At that point, things seemed as if he was fine and we were going to just go up there for a 24 hour monitor. When I arrived in the AM at the new hospital with his clothes and personal paraphernalia I went to the doctor to understand what was going on and the game plan was.

The doctor intended to do a spinal tap to determine if the aneurysm was leaking. When he was brought back from having the lumbar puncture he fell asleep for about 2 hours.  When he woke he was in massive pain, his neck swollen and dizzy and nauseous.  All of it him at once and he had an anxiety attack and started ripping the heart monitor leads off of him and started screaming that he had to get out of the bed.  The on duty nurse let him do that and we got him a bucket to be sick in.

Within a matter of minutes it was apparent what was happening. He was having a third stroke. He was put back in bed and they started testing him. By the end of the night he had lost control of the muscles to keep his eyes straight. His mouth has dropped on one side. His left side is very numb (face, head, arm, leg) His speech is slurred and he is not able to walk on his own.

The next day they did an angiogram and determined that his aneurysm is essentially straddling the vein on both sides and the doctor does not feel it can be operated on safely. He has had uncontrollable hypertension (High Blood Pressure) to add to the mix so avoiding yet another stroke is very difficult.

All of this has happened when rent and electricity were due so the power has been shut off at home and we very possibly have lost everything yet again when we had just started bouncing back after our tragedy last year.  Chariot Pointe Apts (where we moved to be close to the V.A. in Murfreesboro, TN) has a very strict 3 day pay or quit policy.














Unfortunately, as I was downsized at my job. Toby's job was the only income we had. That disappeared when he had this stroke so I'm not sure where we will stand when this is all over.  Someone yesterday was going let me follow them from the hospital as I don't know Nashville well so that I could get him some clean clothes. They lead me out of town to a mall that had stores like Nordstrom and Armani. I walked around the mall like a zombie and then just went out to my car and cried at the ridiculousness of it all. Eventually I found a Wal-Mart after being lost for 45 minutes in South Nashville because neither of our phones are charging correctly for GPS use. 


PLEASE CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT TOBY'S GO FUND ME. EVEN A DOLLAR GOES A LONG WAY!



Needless to say, I think for the most part I have been holding it together..... In front of him and other people. My broken record in my head has been:

"Give me the strength to get through this, if not give me  strength not to show it in front of him."

He has been insisting on videoing everything that we can and we have obtained permission from the administrator from the program. He has been a multi-year winner in the 48hr project and loves to make videos. He has even worked on the set of The Green Mile and Jackass II (movies you won't know for years), so this journey he decided to get in front of the camera as much as possible. For him I will do what ever is important to him and his wishes. We have put together multiple videos so far but only 3 have been published.

One of his first attempt to walk with the nurses

One of them his message of love and thanks for my blogging friends who set up the GOFUNDME site in hopes of helping us not lose our home and everything in it so that I can stay by his side.

And the last one, a random act of kindness of a man who sat with him in the lobby of the hospital when they allowed me to bring him for some air.

******END SPOILERS********

So in closing dear younger me, even with all the trials and tribulations that I am going through, I would not change one thing so I am hoping you don't either.  He may not be the same man he was but in time that may come and if it doesn't there is not a bit of him that I would miss so don't you.

Love,

An exhausted you sending energy to you for the me that you are going to become... You're going to need it.

I Challenge You

Dear Readers,

Today I am going to take a step outside of my normal format (in a way) to address you dear reader as opposed to the typical letter to myself. I decided because it is Leap Day, it was a chance to shake it up and deviate for a day.

I want to talk to you all about a subject that is very near and dear to my heart, Communication.

As defined by dictionary.com

Communication[kuh-myoo-ni-key-shuh n] 
noun

1. the act or process of communicating; fact of being communicated.

2. the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing or signs.

3. Something imparted, interchanged, or transmitted.

4. a document or message imparting news, views, information, etc

5. passage, or an opportunity or means of passage between places.

In the day and age that we are in, so many people send a multitude messages and post so many comments on this site or that, but hardly say anything of meaning. The personal aspect of communication has been stripped away from our day to day life. We are able to drop a message to anyone and have it delivered to their intended recipient within seconds no matter where in the world that person is.

We have become a society that attempts to get our thoughts and purpose out in 140 characters or less. As a result we are often quick to the point and lack feeling and substance in what we say. The art of language has been butchered into quick one-liners and acronyms.


In the day before we all took to our "inbox" to search for that couple line message answering a question or sending the most recent photo we went to our mailboxes to wait for a letter to arrive, old fashioned hand written letters.  They would come to us in beautiful script (which most children today can not even read as it is not taught in a large number of schools), depending on who they were directed to they might have drawings in the margins or the light scent of perfume. Often times they would be multiple pages with thought out sentiment that people today don't necessarily take the time to include.

"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead"  ~ Mark Twain

I stumbled upon a site recently that supports the importance of letters as they used to be. The organization is called Letters Live. Unfortunately for me they are based out of England, but fortunate for me it seems one of my absolute favorite actors takes part in the organization so I have gotten to watch him read several letters like this one:

Benedict Cumberbatch in Letters Live

YOUR CHALLENGE


I urge you - oh dedicated social media user, visit this website and look around. Go to YouTube and search for Letters Live.  Listen to the thoughtfulness and beauty that is in a single letter.  Let it inspire you to take up a pen and a piece of paper. Take up multiple pieces of paper if the spirit hits you and write a letter from the heart. You will not have the backspace button at hand so the thoughts you put down will be provoking and real.

Now comes the twist that you knew I would put on it.  As you prepare to put your ink to paper I want you to envision the recipient of your letter. I want you to see the person as if they were right there with you, sitting just across the table from you.  Imagine that person in the flesh, solid, listening, curious as to what you have to say.

Now, I want you to imagine the face of that person is yours at the age of 16 years old.

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart" ~ Wordsworth

So many of you have expressed the feeling that you had thought of doing something like this.  Today, I encourage you to write that letter.

Sincerely,

Bidy




I would love to hear from you, my readers. I would love you to share your letter with me and if inspired and are interested in writing a guest post, allow me to share your letters with my readers.

You can reach me via email at:   Bidy@dearlittlerme.com

Giving Up

Dear Littler B,


It is finally Friday here in a random February week in 2016.  My third cup of coffee is brewing and annoyingly on the tv "Oscar Mania" has taken over regularly scheduled programming. You are somewhere in 1989, I imagine in the band room reading your newest installment in the letters that have made it through the funnel of time and into your hands.

It struck me the other day that these letters would have been so much easier if you take notes along the road of you becoming me so that I know what fears, questions and memories would be the important things to tell you about.  At the time you are in though I know you won't realize the cyclical nature of time.


Your dreams are so big yet lack any definition. You want to do such big things and change the world but don't have any idea how you are going to do them.  This is going to frustrate you along the path you walk in the journey of leaving who you are behind and becoming me.




"I have not failed. I've just found 10000 ways that won't work." - Thomas A. Edison



I'm here to give you one big pointer today about that frustration. DON'T let it stop you from achieving the things you want to realize in your world. Some people along your way will believe in you. Some people will laugh. Some people will walk away.  Don't let outside noise distract you dear younger me, don't allow the doubt others have to cause doubt to come into your heart and mind.


If Mr. Edison had listened to the nay-sayers around him do you think we would be sitting in the light today?

As I sit here today I am trying to reach for a dream that I've carried with me long before I was you. Supporters have come into my life from areas I never expected.  If I never tried to actively go for my goal, I never would have realized how many people actually believed in me.  Until you try, you will never know how wonderful and surprising that feels. Doubters will come but it is easier to shake them off (as a pop artists popular right know is known to say) knowing you have those who will help hold you up when you need them until the time when you can hold yourself up.

Don't be afraid to try, don't be lazy and don't surround yourself with what-ifs.  It's you that has the dream so it is you that has to go out there and make it happen. Giving up is not an option.



Shoot for the moon baby girl, you just might land in the stars.

Sincerely hoping you never let them hold you down,

Soundtrack to my day

 
A Great Big World - Say Something
Ed Sheeran - Thinking Out Loud
Wiz Khalifa / Charlie Puth - See You Again
Maroon 5 - Sugar
Passenger - Let Her Go
Imagine Dragons - Radioactive
Megan Trainor - All About That Base
Pink - Just Give Me A Reason
Taylor Swift - Shake It Off
Pitbull - Timber
Miley Cyrus - We Can't Stop
John Legend - All Of Me
Imagine Dragons - Deamons
Rhianna - Stay
Mark Ronson / Bruno Mars - Uptown Funk

Being Humble

Dear Littler B,

Today I am surrounded by a bit of a scenery change.  I am writing to you on (believe it or not) my phone while I sit in a career center in town preparing to attend an unemployment orientation.  This is one of the sad byproducts of the fall of the economy which you will experience starting around 2000 but won't rear it's ugly fang toothed face full force until 2008.

Unfortunately the job market will chew you up and spit you out a couple of times, but don't despair.  It will encourage you to go many places, meet many wonderful people and allow you to reinvent yourself several times over. This time it has been a little difficult as I really loved the job that I was in and they blind-sided me with "revenue no longer supports your position".

It just seems to be a no win sometimes climbing to get out of the struggle since a big incident happened a little over a year ago.  I will share that information with you only because maybe you might be able to emotionally prepare yourself and handle it a little bit better than I did. Obviously, the "help" didn't come in the way it was hoped as you know I am still sitting here typing from Nashville, but you are resilient and find a way to endure.


The Keyboard Commentarian: Words of the Day: UPDATE & HELP: Last summer, I introduced you to Anthony Howell, the son of a dear friend of mine, Bridget, who was stationed at the Army National Guard, 11...

I finally qualified for a small stipend from unemployment that got unexpectedly frozen until I completed today's orientation so needless to say you are going to go through a time of no power, no telephone and no food when you get to be me.  Don't panic, people are amazingly wonderful. Today for example after my orientation I was able to get a small box of food and bread at the soup kitchen from a bunch of the most kind people I know in town. While it is not a job, it does help to get by. Every little bit helps. (I know you'd rather have the job - don't be ungrateful you little shit)

No matter how bad situations get, you are a survivor. Don't ever give up. Be strong and persevere. Things always find a way to land on their feet. I can keep going knowing that you never quit.



Sincerely, Shaken but Never Broken,

Today the following joined me to keep my ears company

State of TN Career Center PA - Random Elevator Music
Imagine Dragons - On Top of the World
Vangelis - Chariots of Fire
U2 - Beautiful Day
BonJovi - It's My Life
Smash Mouth - All Star
Johnny Nash - I Can See Clearly Now
Louie Armstrong - Beautiful World
David Bowie - Just for One Day
Joanna Pacitti - Watch Me Shine
Kelly Clarkson - Stronger

The Bullies

Dear Littler B,

I'm sitting on my bed instead of in my office because I got thinking and the keyboard wouldn't wait.  Coffee is next to me and the sound of the truck beeps from the garbage man are coming from the parking lot outside, Drew Carey from the TV drones on in the background and the puppy is snoring half on my lap. (I say puppy, though he is really a little old man)

I'm not sure what made me think of this subject today, it might have been a commercial half heard in my sleep or just a memory flashing through my dreams but bullies are something that you have had to deal with pretty much before you know what the word means. I'm not sure what advice I can give you or anyone whose hands this may fall in, but I know what is truth for you.  In a way you are luckier than most in that you are the 4th child of 5 so you were able to be primed with a thicker skin than some.

There have been many instances you have already lived through, like getting hit in the head with a pan by one sister and having your goldfish boiled (I know you still remember that, because I do... IT WAS AN ACCIDENT). The years that you got picked on after moving from the belly of the south to New Jersey and having that thick southern drawl pour out of your mouth.

It's truly a double genetic whammy that you were born to be not much taller than the limit of a little person and graced with a name that rhymes with "midget". Even that best friend of yours from the swings that lets you sneak out of class with Helga (her car) to go get pizza for the lunch table started out as a bully if you remember correctly.

Thick skin or no, it still hurts.... THEN.


There are going to be many more instances to come so strap in and get ready for it. Like the time you will be at a dance for Halloween and someone will take the mask off your dancing partner to see "who would dance with her", or the time you are going to be grabbed by your hair and dragged on the old gym floor. (Though I still don't regret it resulting in shaving your head and showing up in combat boots from then on out). It will happen only very rarely when you are an adult, from a woman at work who will jump over your desk at you, from your own children, from people you thought you loved. I won't kid you.

I can't tell you why people are like they are, maybe they feel entitled, they feel better than you, maybe they feel less of a person, maybe they don't eve realize they are doing it. It is a fact of life that is a big topic in popular culture today made worse by the invention you have yet to learn - social media.  In all there is one thing that I can tell you that is very important for you to remember. There is only one thing in all of it that you can control.

YOU

Giving in and being hurt, doing something stupid will only put the champion belt on them. It will allow them to win. I promise you that it gets better, because you do. The immature will mature for the most part, but the best thing is that after school you will leave those people behind and be able to surround yourself by the people you deserve. As dad is famous for saying "This too shall pass".

If that doesn't help, let me from the future let you know.... Social media is also good for something else. I am able to see those people who may hold you down and tell you the beautiful become not so, the ones who got fat or bald or both. (Is that a little evil of me?)

Physical beauty only stays so long, popularity only stays so long but the love and light you have inside you can last forever if you let it.

Lots of love from a stronger and happier,

Bigger Little B



Today's Musical Accompaniment 

Taylor Swift - Mean
Dixie Chicks - Goodbye Earl
Hillary Duff - Fly
Kenny Rogers - Coward of the County
Blink 182 - Adam's Song
Mark Wills - Don't Laugh at Me
Morgan Fraizer - Hey Bully
Survivor - Eye of the Tiger
Matt Kennon - You Had to Pick on Me
Selena Gomez - Who Says
Bars and Melody - Hopeful

Everything I Needed To Know

Dear Littler Me,

Good morning and all that warm fuzzy greeting stuff that you are supposed to say at the beginning of a letter.  Today I thought I would write to you about something that has been in the back of my head for a little while, hence the title of this letter, "Everything I needed to know I learned from Ellen DeGeneres"

This as always is just a few points of wisdom for you to live by. It's done me wonders.

Sincerely,

Bigger Little B.

Don't be afraid to be who you are.

 “Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are.” Ellen DeGeneres

The universe is so much bigger than you or I (same thing in this case) imagine.

“The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.” Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously I'm Kidding

Stand up for what you believe in.

 No matter what your cause or what it is you believe go at it with your whole heart and soul if it is important to you.

Nothing feels better than giving.

No matter what you have in life, trust me.... Someone else has less. Things are nice but the feeling of spreading love will last forever.

Except when it is a complete surprise. 

Exceed expectations every chance you can.

Never give up

Life is hard. The day to day living is hard enough without adding dreams into it. But just think of the dreams you will accomplish if you give up...

Always see the humor in life

“Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, "I can't tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let's walk faster." - Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously I'm Kidding

 

When all else fails.... Dance

Thank you GoodReads.com for helping me with some of the quotes above.


Today's background sound provided by biography.com & Youtube
http://www.biography.com/people/ellen-degeneres-9542420/videos/ellen-degeneres-full-episode-2244678863

 

Brief History of Your Future

Dear Littler Me,

Hi there from a windy Monday in 2016. I've got Hulu playing in the background, coffee in a cup next to me and a complete blank space between my ears. I just can't seem to kick it into gear no matter how I try.

You are going to have a whole lot of days like this when motivation just seems to be no where in sight. Somehow, we can usually push through it but I'm thinking today may not be one of those days.  That leaves me with the conundrum of what to write to you today about. So many memories, so little time.

I don't know how long this channel to you will be open so I've been trying to tell you about as many of the the big and small things that I can.  I've really hit on some of the big ones... Joining the Navy, teen and pregnant, marriage, multiple kids, children in the military, Nashville.... and so on. Maybe today I will hit on some of the not so deep things. A little bit of years to come for you in a brief list.

Enjoy!

Bigger Little B

1991 - Stay away from anyone named Jeffrey Dahlmer, heartbreak over the British family, WWW coming!

1992 - Teflon Don, Sammy the Bull and Amy Fisher are going to be big names, Say goodbye to Johnny Carson.

1993 - Religious fanatics in Texas, Dinosaurs in the Movies, World Trade Center, women in combat and Bobbitt becomes a verb.

1994 - No world series, King of Pop marries into King of Rock's family, we say goodbye to Nixon, Cobain & Jackie O

1995 - Netscape, first widespread GUI, OJ gets away and the legacy of Jerry Garcia.

1996 - Una-bomber, Nintendo64, Dolly the sheep, softball in the Olympics.

1997 - An independent Hong Kong, Heavens Gate, the world learns about quidditch, the world mourns Princess Di.



1998 - Monica and the POTUS, McGuire & Sosa race each other, ISS and women around the world celebrate the invention of Viagra.

1999 - Columbine, Pokemon, Y2K apocalypse scare, Dream Team is formed

2000 - Putin appointed, GWB elected, the real Slim Shady stood up, Big Brother comes to the waves.

2001 - Wikipedia becomes a go-to, Twin Towers fall and the War on Terror begins.

2002 - Gitmo goes into operation, Euro spreads, MV Prestige, Monsters Ball

2003 - Columbia Disaster, SARS, European heat wave.

2004 - Facebook redefines life as we know it, Google, Tsunamis and Martha Stewart is going to jail.

2005 - Youtube is launched, Pope John Paul II leaves the world, Michael Jackson is in court and Katrina devastates the US.

2006 - Twitter goes live, Pluto gets a demotion, Saddam Hussein is executed.

2007 - Brittney goes over the edge, the iPhone is launched, Live Earth entertains the world.

2008 - First black president of US, Hadron Collider is switched on, Black Monday becomes a household name.

2009 - Death of the king of pop, Ardi the oldest humanoid, Elections in Afghanistan, BRCA testing.

2010 - Worlds tallest building, Pandora becomes a place with big blue indigenous species, JKs saga comes to an end, Gulf oil crisis.

2011 - Osama Bin Laden, Gabby Gifford, Japan is threatened by radiation, Royal weddings and we say good bye to a movie legend Elizabeth Taylor.

2012 - Diamond Jubilee, Curiosity Rover, shootings in Aurora movie theater, Whitney Houston.

2013 - Boston marathon bombing, Meteor lights up sky over Russia, the year of Miley, Pope resigns.

2014 - Maya Angelou dies, Chaos from Russia, Columbus' ship Santa Maria found, Jay Leno finally retires.

2015 - The people take over government building, Harper Lee back in print, Charlie Hebdo, US & Cuba open public travel, Trump for President????

2016 - Who knows! Can't wait to see!

Eagles - Take It Easy
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Up Around the Bend
John Fogerty - Have You Ever Seen the Rain
Eagles - Hotel California
Don Maclane - American Pie
Cam - Burning House
Thomas Rhett - Die a Happy Man
Luke Bryan - Strip it Down
Lennon & Maisey - Call Your Girlfriend
Chris Jansen - Buy Me a Boat

Go Your Own Way

Dear Littler Me,

It's Superbowl Sunday here in 2016, so you know what that means. ABSOLUTELY nothing. The same old thing is going on here in my house. I will say though, I have yet to roll my butt out of bed. I also have the hubby home today (the 1 day a week usually) and he actually served me coffee in bed. I know better than to push for breakfast. Not a good set up to my day imaging what our tiny kitchen would look like after the whole thing. Fifteen years ago you can tolerate the images knowing its the kids but when you become me, imagining the same at the hands of a grown man are a whole different thing.

Writing to you on a Sunday is sometimes difficult because I'm not alone at home and can't blare my music and  "do my thing". So here I am trolling through Google (which I told you about weeks ago) trying to determine which memory I can tell you about today. My computer screen is littered with pictures of PacMan, Culture Club, neon (which you don't wear) and Big Hair (which I'm so glad you don't have).

There is so much of the "this is the 80's" that even though you are living right now through it, you really never took part in.  So, what Did you do? I can tell you that pretty soon you are going to have a week vacation from school for ditching school and sneaking out to a concert in East Hanover. You are going to think you got away with it but.... Sorry kid. Maybe if you can keep your friend from watching MTV in front of her father you might not get in trouble but fat chance of that happening. The concert will be well worth it though so I won't tell you with who and which one.

I can also tell you that you are going to hang out in places you never thought you would and become part of things you could never imagine.  Not every day is going to be fun, not every day is going to be dull. I can promise you at the end of it all when you become me reflecting on where you've been you are going to have one thought.

Damn it was great!

Before you know it you will be me and it feels almost like you have had barely the time to blink in between being you and becoming me. Even the hard days you will look back on and be thankful for where they have brought you. I guess my biggest advice today for you dear younger me is drink it all in and make it your own. Keep doing what you are doing kid. You will be glad you did.

10 Points of Wisdom - Hard Days Are Coming

Dear Littler B,

I was sitting and thinking this morning about what to write to you and it dawned on me, in the almost 25 years that have passed between you becoming me - I have lived enough life for 3 people.  There has been good and there has been bad.  There have been so many times that would break a regular mortal. You/I have just been blessed to have been born with either the spine and fortitude of titanium or just the inability to see defeat in any situation. Only change and progress that might not have been our original goal.

I'm here at the keyboard and splitting mind time with the television while an old (well maybe not old to you) Eddie Murphy movie is on. The Golden Child. He has just gone through the maze to get the knife without spilling a drop of water. That is exactly what the years have been like for me. Somehow though we always seem to make it with minimal water spilled. (go to blockbuster and get the movie, you'll understand)


***************     INSERT SPOILER ALERT HERE     ********************

Hold on to your hat little me, things are about to begin on that road in a very short time.  Something is about to happen to you that is going to rock the foundation of every thing you know.  It seems that today it may be more accepted today - there will even be a really horrible reality show about it in a couple decades. Sometimes it seems as forward thinking as we are, society is also completely  in backwards motion.

You have had plans and imaginings of what you are going to do with your life. Bubble burst-er  that I seem to have become have the last week or so gives me no joy in letting you know that your about to let go of just about every one of them. More than letting go of them, you are actually going to be so much happier that you did.

You are about to become what you hate, a statistic. You are going to be a teenager who is pregnant.  People are not going to understand or be very kind. I promise they will get over it quickly and in a HUGE way.  Give them their time of shock.  Don't freak out. It seems like a ultimate nightmare scenario but it is going to set you on the path for the best possible things you will ever experience even still when you become me. It will also give you some of the absolute worse times, but the best will make up for it and make a lot of the hurt go right out of your mind.

Confusion is about to rule your brain for the next 24 years until you become me, I can tell you that with absolute certainty. Here is a good example.... One of your sons is going to tell you he joined the military in a few years and you spend the next few years not knowing if that was your proudest moment or the moment you hated more than any other. Jury is still out for me so we will have to discover that answer together. At least in weak moments you will always be able to hold over his head that you had to sell your last pair of combat boots for diapers. (Though wise ass that he is I am always half expecting him to show up with a pair of 14 hole oxblood Doc Martins in a gift bag for me one day)







Here are a few words of wisdom in what you are about to face:

1. Don't give up - It's easy to crawl in bed and cry, I know I've done it. You can handle this. When you need to, go ahead and do the cry bit but then put on your big girl pants and get back at it.

2. Laugh - When ever you possibly can and even when you can't.

3. Don't Spank - I tried it one time unfortunately on the child who is a nervous laugh-er, nuf said.

4. Celebrate the small things -  Any chance you can take joy and make a memory.

5. Don't get hung on materialistic things - Things are just things. I can't stress this enough. In years to come your curio cabinets are not populated by statues and plates that will break (and they will - look at Mom's old folks) They will be full of pinewood derby cars, painted minis and construction paper treasures.

6. Soap in the mouth is going to scar you not them - I only did this once when one of your daughters learned a certain word starting with the letter B. I still can't get that 10 seconds out of my head almost 20 years later.

7. National headlines fade - At one point believe it or not you are going to be getting your 15 minutes of fame over a judge determining religion of your children. Cry your tears and move on, the rest of the world will.

8.  Family is everything - Don't shut them out. Ever. They may not always agree with you, but they are always there for you. No matter what the situation.

9. I Love You - Never miss a chance to let anyone know how much you love them. You will never know if it is the last chance you will get.

10. This too shall pass - I leave you with these words from the wisest man I have ever known, Dad. He is a man of few words but when he opens his mouth to speak, always listen. No matter what the situation it is not the end of the world. (at least it hasn't been up until you become me). You will always find a way through things even when you don't think you can.


From a wiser yet still clueless,

Bigger Little B.



Guns N Roses - Live and Let Die
Def Leopard - Animal
Pat Benatar - Love is a Battlefield
Eagles - Tequila Sunrise
Fleetwood Mac - Dreams
Bob Segar & The Silver Bullet Band - Night Moves
Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight
Eagles - Desperado
The Allman Brothers Band - Midnight Rider
The Steve Miller Band - Take the Money and Run
 Eric Clapton - Layla
Eagles - Peaceful Easy Feeling
The Marshall Tucker Band - Cant You See
The Craig Lewis Band - Change is Gonna Come

I Really Miss MTV

Dear Littler B,

Greetings from across the years. The sun has just barely made its presence known here in Music City, yet here I sit with my 3rd or 4th cup of coffee tapping away at the keys. As a kick in the pants to get my day on I even got dressed and made the walk to the convenience store.



When I got back home I checked my twitter  in a valiant attempt to learn how to use it. (Don't even ask - you'll learn what it is in another couple decades and still will never understand it) One message among many that I received from a young musician caught my eye. It was a link to his video cover of a popular artists song (the cover was much better - trust me).  It was good, really good. It brought me back to once upon a time when I was you and I would spend hours in front of MTV and just get lost in the music. 


I think I was drawn to this message because of what kind of routine I have set myself. Coffee, music, letter and then (the cherry on the cake of my day) the feel good moments of the Ellen Degeneres show. Yep, believe it or not she will become one of the peoples choice for favorite daytime talk shows, go figure.

After looking at the sum of my daily routine it made me think that you would probably roll your eyes at the "old lady"ness of it all, but listen up butter cup.... All these years that have passed between me being you to me being me have really not changed me very much. I despise mornings. No matter how early I went to bed, morning comes and I could linger on my pillow as long as the dreams last.  In my head I am eternally 18.

Needless to say it makes it difficult with a mindset like that to be a grown up, but alas the years I have under my belt that you have yet to see force me to pretend. I am not sure if other adults who are busy in the act of adulting think the same thing.

It would be interesting to ask people and see what their take on it is.  Not that the answer would change me in any way. Some days I truly feel I should get an Oscar or something. I feel like I am only out here playing adult as a role in the production entitled Life on Earth.  I am now about 10 years older than mom is while you read this letter and I really don't feel half as grown up as she was. Maybe it's a personality flaw, maybe its just the typical aversion to doing what you are expected to do. I'm not really sure but I expect I may never understand the concept of "grown-up" like I never understood the concept of hate.  I guess that could be seen as not a bad thing, no?

Well, in the prospect of faking it till I make it I guess I will go tend to some of the urgent tasks that I have been neglecting but I can promise I will be blaring music, singing, dancing and flipping a finger to conformity while I do so.

In youthful exuberance,

Bigger Little B

Songs that kept my ears warm and fuzzy today


Richie Nuzz - Sorry
Michael Jackson - Thriller
Guns N Roses - Sweet Child of Mine
A-Ha - Take On Me
Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
Culture Club - Karma Chameleon
Survivor - Eye of the Tiger
 Pink Floyd - Another Brick in the Wall
George Michael - Careless Whispers
Roxette - Listen To Your Heart
Queen - Another One Bites the Dust
Toto - Africa

When I Grow Up

Dear Little B,

I know it has been a few days since I wrote to you, I hope you are not too upset with me.  I have had to be away for a few days from my keyboard because I had a project that I had to work on. As I would love to say we are independently wealthy, sadly that is not the case. I spent the last 4 days doing a data job for a manufacturing company. Yesterday morning it ended so I went out last evening to celebrate by taking part in trivia night at a local grill. (Heads up for when you become the yesterday me - try not to celebrate as hard as I did. We might make it through today a lot better.)

Its late in the day today for me to be sitting and writing my letter but I am going to try to make the most of what bit of the day I have left before I have to go cook dinner and pretend that I have been at least a little bit productive during the last 10 hours. Luckily I'm pretty quick at restoring order so usually that is not very difficult. On top of that, your hubby is going to be the kind and forgiving type. Not sure how we got so lucky to find him. Call it many years of you paying it forward finally come to fruition.

Regardless, this brings me to the subject of today's letter. I figured I would in light of my last few days I would talk to you about what you become when you grow up. (I use that term VERY loosely as I'm still truly waiting to grow up) This is a rough letter because I want to try to make it as short as possible but you are going to have a broad and extensive list of trades. A career of trying new careers if you will. It has been fun at times and heart breaking at times. This is you though, always the one who enjoys being challenged and wanting to be able to say "yeah, I did that".



I know most kids have that dream of being something spectacular. One wants to be a doctor, another wants to be a fireman or ballerina, and then there is you who wanted to be a nun. I know that was when you were young because of the concept that you could spend your life devoted to helping people.  The reason I bring all of this up is to illustrate the fact that you wanted one thing then but even now for you, you have evolved and want to be something else entirely.  That is ok and even healthy, so don't worry so much about it.

As you have gotten older, if this letter finds you in the year I hope it will, you have evolved to wanting to be a writer. You even joined the Navy in hopes of going into journalism.  I hate to break your heart, but it is not going to work out quite like you dream.  Don't take it too hard, I promise that even though you don't become what you want you will still feel fulfilled enough to be happy.

If I can tell you one thing that you need to take from high school it is to pay attention in Mr. Lefke's typing class and maybe add in the new computer class that they recently created. I think little me that it has come in
quite handy that Dad is who he is. It will make the task of computer anything come very easily to you and will help you maintain a handle on the job market (at least it has for me so far).

I know that you may not be the things that you dream but please remember how you evolved into wanting to be a nun to wanting to be a writer. You will have many dreams and some of them will even come true, but not if you stop having them. You will evolve many times to come over the next couple decades and if I have anything to do with it there will be several more shades of me before it is time for us to get in the check out line and cash in my chips.

 Here are some of the things you have to look forward to being:

Cashier
Auditor
Application Developer
Web Designer
Color Guard Captain for over a decade
Waitress
Community Leader
Security Officer
President of the United States (only kidding)
Systems Analyst
Wedding Officiant & Reverend
Payroll Specialist
Project Manager
HAZMAT Inspector and Abatement Specialist
Haunted House Witch


Teacher
Mother

and so much more....


Don't ever stop dreaming,

Bigger Little B



Bill Medley - Time of My Life
J. Giles Band - Centerfold
Michael Jackson - Black or White
The Police - Every Breath You Take
Pat Benatar - We Belong
Bryan Adams - Heaven
Simple Minds - Don't You
U2 - With or Without You
Eric Carmen - Hungry Eyes
Motley Crue - Don't Go Away Mad