Sunday, June 26, 2016

Gone to see a man about a cowbell

Dear Littler B,

Public Domain,
It has been a month of Sundays since I have written, and for that I apologize. It has been an interesting two months. I feel bad at having left you mid-theme, mid-AtoZ challenge completed. I don't usually back down from a challenge as you well may know (seeing as you are me just very much younger), that is one thing that doesn't change. I do however know when to take a hiatus from something when the emergency need arises and priorities have to shuffle.  Don't despair, some day not too long from mow I will pick back up with Nightshade.

In the mean time, here I am just simply me again wanting to say hello.

I can't quite believe how much my life has changed here in my present, your future.  Things have happened on all levels of the oh shit/Yay spectrum. I know I probably left you scared having disappeared for as long as I have without a letter to let you know how things will shake out.  I don't want you to fear my baby girl. You are strong and resilient. If there is one gift the great goddess has bestowed upon you it is that you are a survivor and find a way to make things work.

This time it was not on your own though and I really give credit to the amazing kind of people you allow in your life over the years to come.  Acceptance of the loss of the physical things was an easy one.  You never have been a material kinda gal any-who. The grieving process of losing the man who was once your husband and is now essentially a 5 year old (temper tantrums and all) has however not been an easy one. When having to return to the ICU with yet another stroke, two weeks after getting out of the month long rehabilitation after the previous one - there really is no easy way to handle it. You will go into shock baby girl. Study up so you know what that means, sick to your stomach and all; so that you can make the make the moment it happens not about you.  I think I pulled it off, but it was difficult. The biggest thing to get used to is the feeling of loneliness that you will feel. Don't ponder in it too long. Moping doesn't become you.

That brings us through April and to May. We've temporarily landed at Anthony's house.  His beautiful loving wife to be is so head strong and smart that they have purchased a house and are allowing us to stay here while I find a way to recover. It is very taxing for all of us, but remember baby girl you have to weather the storm to see the rainbow. Keep your eyes and ears open, because sweet child you will at this time come across an opportunity for a job that will make you happier than any other in your life, for many reasons. The biggest thing is that you will become me on the other side of the tragedy, open your eyes in the morning smile and continue smiling until your eyes close at the end of the night. Truly life changing.


 "When All Else Fails, Add More Cowbell...

I will tell you more about it maybe one day, or just let you be surprised when you get here. All you need to know is that when life becomes so rough, abstract and disconnected, when you don't know if you will make it through - I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel. There will be a cure for it coming down the pike.....

In the mean time I will leave you with an amazing piece of news to look forward to. You are going to finally have a new baby in the family. Anthony is going to be a daddy. The debate has begun in your head at what we will be called (Mama like our mom, Granny, Grandma.... as long as it is never Nanny or MeeMaw lol). 8 years older than mom when we will become this exciting status, but well worth the wait as it took getting here for him to find this amazing and wonderful girl to spend the rest of his life with.

Truly looking back in wonder,

Bigger Little B

Music That Made The Mood

Dixie Chicks - Cowboy, Take Me Away
I Grieve - Peter Gabriel
Look What They've Done Ma - Miley Sirus
Whats Going On? - 4 Non Blondes
Roar - Katy Perry
If I Die Young - The Band Perry
I Try - Macy Gray
Into the Mystic - Van Morrison
Wake Me Up - Avicii
Strawberry Wine - Deana Carter

Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
All of Me - John Legend


  1. Its good to see you write again. Sorry life has been so hard. But it is sometimes right? Congrats on the baby, mine call me grandma and as much as I felt that was gonna suck I love hearing the name now.

  2. It FEELS so good to write. I will admit I went into a sulky period for a little time embarrassingly. That really is not my nature. I do miss sitting at the keyboard and things now are going SO well I just had to share. I CANT WAIT to be Grandma!!!!

  3. Hi little B. I am glad you are writting again. I know you write to free your mind and in difficult times you need an outlet. It isn't healthy to bottle it all up.