Saturday, October 1, 2016

11:16 AM - No comments

Silly dreams of the hopeless romantic...

Dear Littler B,

Just a heads up comma you're going to quite a whirl wind over the past couple of months of mine. Baby girl in all of this, do your best not to lose yourself, the loving girl who believes  that  there is joy in everything in the world around you. The girl who has never been accused of being naive, the Survivor who is been through so much heartache  yet still  never sees  anything as ugly. The one who everybody goes to for help yet never has anyone  to help her or be there for her when she needs that help .

I know that's the pot calling the kettle black but if I can teach you anything for all the pain and heartache that you're about to go through maybe it will ease the burden slightly because you knew it was coming. I knew it was coming through sheer intuition I was down this road in August of 98 and but the tales told to me for a decade .  I knew better then to go to this place again. But I did and I did hard.  In all of the dumbassery that is me/ you, you never are the kind of person to not believe in love. You are a true Bohemian and you always will be even when you become me. Please don't ever lose that. Even with all of my warnings of how things will come out in the end you will never ever regret having been through the Journey.

I hope that part of us never changes no matter how much we get hurt, no matter how much people tell us they love us and would move the world for us. Part of you will be Jaded by the time you get to be my age however there's obviously still a large part of us that believes in love and hope.

In this lifetime The Beatles (God bless John Lennon soul) really had it right... All You Need Is love because the end of the day it's not the things that surround you that you take with you it's the love...

You're about to be wronged in a very very big way, yet you still have hope. You're about to go some where you never thought you'd be, yet you still have hope you still believe in love... enduring, unconditional and absolute. And you still believe those words when they're being said to you daily by the one who wronged you. You knew going into this that it was going to be a bubble to burst in time  because it was too good to be true  this kind of stuff doesn't happen for you, but you still did it he and he made you believe it  and could not avoid it you fell hard, he said he did, you still let them see your inner core - the real you.

That is something not too many people ever really see. Deep in the night together I shared things I have never spoken aloud,  and I believe the words he shared and he did too. I truly don't know where I will be tomorrow or tomorrows tomorrow but no matter where they are I will I've had that taste of Real and True Love short though it was. And that I will treasure inside of me always.

You can justify it all you want in your head and your heart and you will when you become me, the fact that when you went into this you didn't know certain aspects that you never would have committed had you known. It violates Who You Are, but the truth of the matter is, after you did find out you didn't stop. And truth be told if I ask tomorrow  I would never let go  I would fight for that which I know is the other half of me .

You could justify it in your head and your heart that you believed all the words given to you of love and commitment to be truth just finally not be loved for what I can do for someone but for who I am, but you know better than that too. That has never existed in your life from before you were you and through the time of you becoming me. All the dreams and aspirations we shared baby girl- you know better at your age and all the experiences you've had becoming me I should have known better too. But I wanted to believe.  I don't think you should fault yourself for that when it's your turn to go through all of this.

 Treasure all the time you did have together and take it with you -  good moments and bad it was worth every minute. Even though in the end , I know we will lose it was worth every moment of feeling loved and respected, desired by the sweetest loving most beautiful man. not just physically, because you don't care about that even the many years ago when I was you, but when I say beautiful I mean beautiful to the core his aura his very essence and soul. Truly the most beautiful man I have ever known.

I'm driving back right now from New Jersey to Tennessee so please ignore the grammar errors (as this is all voice to text )after seeing a couple of doctors. 3 to be exact. One I never thought I would ever have to see and one I prayed I would never have to be at again.

I tell you this because I am obviously still not believing that bubble has burst somewhere in my subconscious.  I dreamed last night that I was that Anthony's wedding and there he was... he showed up to tell me how much he loved me and couldn't live without me as he's told me many times before however this time he really wasn't going to leave me again. He took me in his arms and we danced.

I know you and your 17 year old mind are wondering why I'm telling you all of this all the pain that you're going to be going through. I need you to look at it more from the aspect of knowing you are going to know true love, soul completing love. So that you know you have beautiful things to look forward too my dear. Because every bit is going to be absolutely breathtaking. You'll have moments when the both of you will cry out of sheer Joy that you have finally found each other. Not just you he will as well.

All of it is worth the hurt. The real me in the waking minutes of this day knows how this is going to play out. A. I don't win, that's not reality and B. He's not showing up there tomorrow to tell me that I will never be parted from him again and never have to cry again at the Lost. Even the real you at seventeen not having been through all of the hurt and becoming me know that that's just fairy tales you read in books fairy tales that actors get paid lots of money to portray in movies. But don't ever stop believing my girl don't ever stop hoping don't ever stop dreaming. It makes you who you are it makes you that person that sees the good in everyone. It makes you that girl that still to this day age 43 doesn't comprehend the idea of hate let alone feel it.

Don't ever stop believing in that 1% baby girl because you know what? someday somehow someway it might come true

I'm here for you, and I hope when you get these letters you save them so that someday when you become me you read them and no the love even though you're going to lose at least for a Time it was real. If only on your side because you know that you are one among many that's their issues you hold on to that gift of those feelings and know that they were right, and real and even if they were only one sided comma he promised they weren't. But he will promise many things and it's okay to believe in them because everybody deserves hope and love.

Wishing I was there to comfort you and dry your tears,

Bigger little B

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