Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Message of Love


Dear Littler Me,

I am writing to you today across the many years from the 3rd hospital cafeteria in less than two weeks.  It has been a long haul already and we have so much longer to go. I hope you have not been feeling neglected, but it will be some time longer to get through this and back to our normal correspondence.

I will tell you that you are stubborn and strong and will get through this. I'm not sure when or how but you will. You are going to hurt very badly physically and emotionally but you can and will do this.  You are going to have times you will feel sorry for yourself (like yesterday which was our wedding anniversary) and then you are going to hate yourself for even thinking those feelings.

People are telling you that all this is normal but quite honestly none of this shit is normal. Just a heads up. They will all also be obsessed with you eating for some reason. Everyone who is anyone is also telling me now, more than ever I need to sit and write. ESPECIALLY Toby himself. (He's actually being a big pest about it, so here I am for the first time since this all went down)

Our wedding song which I listened to several times yesterday which was a change up from @BillyBoydActor who I have had on loop for a week and a half solid.

Right now I am going to seaway into the actual story that has happened up to here.  The woman in me that is fighting to keep her physical pain and anxiety issues at bay would tell you to look away from the page until I tell you it's ok to look again so that you don't freak about the things you are going to go through when you become me. I would tell you nothing that would have you not find this man when the time comes and spend every waking and sleeping that second you can with him.

 I will let that choice be yours and as you are me, I know you will read every bit.


A week ago Saturday we ended up in the local emergency room at St. Thomas Rutherford as he had a migraine headache.  The headaches are not new so we thought it was just get something for it, sleep it off and wake in the morning and he would be fine.

Unfortunately, a 14cm aneurysm was located in his basal artery in his brain. It was bad enough that the doctor on call did not feel comfortable keeping him there at the hospital, he wanted him transferred to St. Thomas West.  He was transported to Nashville at about 2 AM and he made me go home for the night. At that point, things seemed as if he was fine and we were going to just go up there for a 24 hour monitor. When I arrived in the AM at the new hospital with his clothes and personal paraphernalia I went to the doctor to understand what was going on and the game plan was.

The doctor intended to do a spinal tap to determine if the aneurysm was leaking. When he was brought back from having the lumbar puncture he fell asleep for about 2 hours.  When he woke he was in massive pain, his neck swollen and dizzy and nauseous.  All of it him at once and he had an anxiety attack and started ripping the heart monitor leads off of him and started screaming that he had to get out of the bed.  The on duty nurse let him do that and we got him a bucket to be sick in.

Within a matter of minutes it was apparent what was happening. He was having a third stroke. He was put back in bed and they started testing him. By the end of the night he had lost control of the muscles to keep his eyes straight. His mouth has dropped on one side. His left side is very numb (face, head, arm, leg) His speech is slurred and he is not able to walk on his own.

The next day they did an angiogram and determined that his aneurysm is essentially straddling the vein on both sides and the doctor does not feel it can be operated on safely. He has had uncontrollable hypertension (High Blood Pressure) to add to the mix so avoiding yet another stroke is very difficult.

All of this has happened when rent and electricity were due so the power has been shut off at home and we very possibly have lost everything yet again when we had just started bouncing back after our tragedy last year.  Chariot Pointe Apts (where we moved to be close to the V.A. in Murfreesboro, TN) has a very strict 3 day pay or quit policy.

Unfortunately, as I was downsized at my job. Toby's job was the only income we had. That disappeared when he had this stroke so I'm not sure where we will stand when this is all over.  Someone yesterday was going let me follow them from the hospital as I don't know Nashville well so that I could get him some clean clothes. They lead me out of town to a mall that had stores like Nordstrom and Armani. I walked around the mall like a zombie and then just went out to my car and cried at the ridiculousness of it all. Eventually I found a Wal-Mart after being lost for 45 minutes in South Nashville because neither of our phones are charging correctly for GPS use. 


Needless to say, I think for the most part I have been holding it together..... In front of him and other people. My broken record in my head has been:

"Give me the strength to get through this, if not give me  strength not to show it in front of him."

Tweet: Give me strength 2 get through this, if not give me strength not to show it in front of him http://bit.ly/Stroke5 #Prayer via @BidyBidyBop

He has been insisting on videoing everything that we can and we have obtained permission from the administrator from the program. He has been a multi-year winner in the 48hr project and loves to make videos. He has even worked on the set of The Green Mile and Jackass II (movies you won't know for years), so this journey he decided to get in front of the camera as much as possible. For him I will do what ever is important to him and his wishes. We have put together multiple videos so far but only 3 have been published.

One of his first attempt to walk with the nurses

One of them his message of love and thanks for my blogging friends who set up the GOFUNDME site in hopes of helping us not lose our home and everything in it so that I can stay by his side.

And the last one, a random act of kindness of a man who sat with him in the lobby of the hospital when they allowed me to bring him for some air.

******END SPOILERS********

So in closing dear younger me, even with all the trials and tribulations that I am going through, I would not change one thing so I am hoping you don't either.  He may not be the same man he was but in time that may come and if it doesn't there is not a bit of him that I would miss so don't you.


An exhausted you sending energy to you for the me that you are going to become... You're going to need it.


  1. I think you have to think of yourself too and make sure you leave the hospital for a little each day. If you don't take care of you you won't be any good for Toby. Things will fall into place.If you look back at life you will realize this does happen, maybe not as you planned.

  2. I'm trying Heidi. Can you tell it was an exhausted ranting post? It was a post none the less so I felt good working it. With the therapy schedule they have for him right now it does allow me a little me time and I'm trying to just cry on the proverbial shoulder of my readers (SORRY GUYS!). So much love to you, Miranda, Jo and all who have been so helpful in this!

  3. You are in my prayers; circumstances and events can seem insurmountable and paralyzing at times, but God will strengthen and heal. When we look back we see his hand at work we are amazed and thankful, so keep your faith strong and heart cheerful!

  4. I thank you so much for your kind words. Strength, faith and coffee are all that have been fueling me through it.

  5. I am following your story , it is so so touching , what a brave woman are you ! I can only imagine , what this all means . Life can be a right bitch , I know we should not think that way , but does it not always hit the wrong people ?! I am wishing you all the strenghts it needs to get through all this , you are an ANGEL on earth ( well , I am very much like you ...in good and bad ...no matter what , through all instances and with all consequences , you don't let your partner fall when he/she needs you most ) I am too far away to offer any support , even sending money from Europe to the US would cost a fortune in sending fees , but I am sharing your posts to spread the word ! This one will go on POSTWAVE ! A great busy platform for blog posts ! Sending you my love , wishing you all the best and endless strength !

  6. Thank you Klaudia you beautiful woman. Just by messaging and reading and sharing - you have shown me love and support. You are most definitely not too far away. It is people like you who have kept my spirits going. Much love!