It has been a month of Sundays since my last letter here. With your health and trying to keep up with everything that needed to be done, it has been difficult to continue writing my letters. Generally, my letters are sent across time to a younger me letting her know that things are going to be ok. Today, however, my love I write to you. Those who have watched and read my letters will understand the segue and not be too upset as I am trying to get back into my writing. Where I will go from here I don't know but for the next few letters, I believe I will address them to you.
You died on a Tuesday. It was June 20th at 4:25 in the morning. I did everything I could to beg you to fight but I knew in my heart how tired you were and how much pain you were in. I've gone through so many emotions over the past month (almost two). I seem to sway most between loneliness, anger disbelief. I did not handle things as well as I could have I suppose. I found a little relief in smashing some things. It was a suggestion by the grief counselor. Mostly I broke those coffee cups from Christmas. It struck me as the pieces flew across the kitchen floor that it truly looked like an outward depiction of what was happening to my heart, mind, and life. I hope you would not be too mad at me for having smashed the Darth Vader bank I got you for your birthday. I realized when I did that I had to stop. So I did.
You would be happy to know that I am no longer working the job I had when you were here beside me. I know how much you hated me working in a bar and being close to alcohol. You never drank and despised the fact that I did. After you left me, I had way too much of it. It was hard not to want to escape the sadness and emptiness that your absence caused. With you, I knew who I was and what I was supposed to do. I had somewhere I belonged. I had an identity. I AM WIFE. That part of me is gone and I don't know what I am anymore.
I started to stabilize a bit up until I got that official piece of paper with all the details of where, when, etc. It made me so mad that it only noted the day and not the time. 4:25am. I don't know why. You would be proud of our young friend though, and I love him so much for it. He stuck by me through the night as I got (not proudly) raging drunk. Something that he said has stuck with me every day. It upset me because they didn't take the time to notice. I did. 4:25am. It hurt to know that at that time every morning, it will be a day without you. Then a week without you. Soon a month without you. Now, almost an entire summer without you in it. Before long, I will look back and it will be something that happened a year ago. How do I reconcile that? Part of me realizes that I never will.
We had a lot of tough times of husband of mine, but we had some wonderful times too. We did a lot more in our decade than a lot of people do in a life time. I miss you so very much. I am trying to handle things better than I have over the past two months. Not always successfully, but I keep trying. I started a new job yesterday. I think you would be proud of me. It truly hurt not to celebrate that. It's the first time since that day we met that I didn't have that. I always loved that we found a way to celebrate the good things that happened to us no matter how small they were. Just to recognize the good things and not let the hardships break our spirits. Last night was very hard for me without that as I curled up in the front seat of the car with Angus on my lap and my blanket over me. I wept the kind of gut wrenching tears that take all ability to breathe or feel outside of the sorrow. It was another one of those moments of clarity that I was truly and utterly alone.
I know this is all very heavy and anyone reading will probably not read past the first paragraph, but I know you always encouraged me to write and this letter is for you. I want you to know how thankful I am that you chose to share the rest of your life with me. You were a beautiful spirit and loved me so very much. I will treasure each of the days we were lucky enough to share until the end of mine. I don't know where the road goes from here but know where ever you are I will strive to make you proud of me.
Loving you always,