Dear Littler B,
Hello dear littler me from across the many years. I wanted to reach out to you today because something has been on my mind of late that I just don't know how to deal with. Sadly, all the years that you will go through on your journey to becoming me may make you a bit wiser but don't give you all the answers. I hope you are not in the age where you are fooling yourself into believing that just because you have grown up means you have it all figured out.
In every life there are "defining moments" if you will. Situations or events that totally change who you are as a person and the way you live your life. Having children for example is one of those. First you are you, then you are mom. Never to be the "you" that you recognize again. It's not necessarily a bad thing, it's not necessarily a good thing. It's a complete change of how you do you and process the world around you. Some of it baby girl will be wonderful. The amazing feeling of becoming a mother or grandmother; the joy of becoming a wife is something that I would never change and would do all over if given the chance.
You my dear as you know from the brief situations I have outlined in letters past will have several such defining moments. I'm sad to say you will not always handle them well, such as the defining moment you became a widow. It has been 5 months and I can promise you, no matter how much you thought you had prepared for it you will not handle it well. You will be faced with having to do something you do not want; reinventing yourself. You will come to identify (a big term in this day and age) as mother, as grandmother, as wife. Now, with children grown you will not be needed really and without the identity of wife, what are you?
Identity crisis is never a fun thing. What should you do with yourself? Who are you? Who should you become? These are the questions going through my head for months and I'm no closer to an answer than I was when I was you. It feels sometimes as if you are alone, walking through the woods of your life with no idea where the road goes or if it even leads out on the other side.
You will spend your life doing things for the sake of others so much that when the time comes and no one needs you, you have no idea what or who you are. It's an empty feeling my dear and I hate to give you this news but life is what it is. (you will come to HATE that phrase as well but it is an absolute accurate depiction.)
I will tell you this though, even on my darkest days of late... The days when I realize I am alone and may never have my own home or love again I always find a way to focus on the happy times and places that occurred over the time-span of you becoming me. It is always darkest before the dawn. For all that it is a cliche tomorrow is a new day. Don't lose faith and don't lose hope. I tell you as much as I tell me.
You will see some amazing things and go to wondrous places. You will be loved deeper than you ever imagined was possible. In my mind if those things could happen along the years between you and me, what might be in store between me becoming the person I will be 20 years from now? I'm willing to be patient and see...
Bigger Little B