Good morning across the years. I have locked into what seems to be my regular routine now a days of coffee, music and window watching with the exception of slow cooking a pot of chili as I
type my letter to you. Yes, you learn how to cook but not very well. Piece of advice? Never get less than 80/20 and for heavens sake get decent kitchen ware. Put me out of my misery. You will learn to love stews and "one pot wonders", much more than that is as common around here as a yeti due to necessity.
We are bracing for a snow storm the likes of which we haven't seen in this area for several years supposedly. I laugh at that idea. Where you are snow means nothing, but remember when Mom & Dad moved us moved down to SC and if they even talked about snow on the news EVERYTHING shut down. (Spoiler Alert) It's a lot like that here in Nashville. They've been talking about this for days, the coming "Snowmageddon" or "Snowpocalypse". There is supposed to be about 4" of snow. Do you need a second to go get a paper towel to sop up the Jolt that sprayed out of your nose while you were laughing? In all honesty though, in the south's defense they really don't have it often enough to know how to handle it or learn to drive in it. They are ill equipped.
I know the only word out of that sentence you really comprehended was Nashville. Yes, you moved to Tennessee several years ago and YES you finally get to go to Graceland. Dream upon dreams isn't it? Even now the girl who has a shaved head and combat boots hanging out in NYC amongst all the big hair Aqua Net freaks still has that poster of Elvis up on her wall. You can't lie to me, I've been there remember?
You have quite a few things on that to-do list in your journal that are going to be scratched out. Some not as soon as others, but in the end you accomplish most of what is already there and will add one for every one you tick off so that things never get boring. Yes you will live for a brief time in NYC and yes you will make it out of the country (Twice so far, but hopefully time will change that).
I know you are wondering why I am telling you these things. When you get older you will get the "I wish I could smack my young self in the head and told them look what you will become" feeling. It may not be spectacular. You may not be singing on a stage, publishing that new book, rubbing elbows with the elite but you are gloriously and beautifully ALL YOU. It's going to be a long time until you figure out what that is and just when you think you know, you will reinvent yourself. Lets face it, you are not one who handles stagnation or boredom well.
Brace yourself kid, you are going to be disappointed and you are going to cry - buckets. There are going to be more than a few times we go through that seem dark. Very dark indeed. Two in particular you are going to feel like there is no hope, no option, no shining sun. Know that it is ok to feel that way. The best thing about times like this are the times when you are on the other side of it and you look back. The beauty of the strong as iron spine you developed. The aspects of your character that you never believed you had will arise and surprise the hell out of you.
(insert palm slap to the forehead here)
The thing that you need to remember at these times (and these two in particular) is that believe it or not you WILL get through it and find ways to mend, cope and excel. Don't give up. Taking the easy way out is not as easy as you think. Sure, it may be for you but in the short term think of the resulting chaos. Mom & Dad, your family, your friends and yes even once your children. Is that the legacy you want to leave them? Twice you will try and luckily for me, twice you will fail.
I don't say things will ever be perfect but I do say thing will be perfect and that is what you will have to grasp onto to pull yourself through it. When I say thing I mean a moment or a sunset, a song or a breeze. Just let yourself let go mentally enough to grab onto just 1 thing. No, it will not make your problems go away but it will give you a chance to step out of your beautiful horrible overworked mind long enough to take a break from self-torture. Soon you will be able to string a thing together with another thing and before you know it things will look a heck of a lot better than they did.
I am lucky I have this chance to tell you about the things you wouldn't have if you had succeeded, most people don't get that. You have a man who loves you more than anything in the world, you have beautiful children, you have a kind and giving heart borne out of the ashes of many fires you were not able to put out and quite honestly at the age I am now I'm damn sexier than I was 10 and 20 years ago. Your life is beautiful in all its flaws because of the turmoil not in spite of it. Even this many years later when I have lived longer on my own than at home something that Dad said rings in my head no matter what the difficulty. "This too shall pass". No matter how difficult things may seem, you can handle it even if you think you can't.
You are a Phoenix who always rises from the ashes. I can't wait to see what our next incarnation will bring!
In Love and Hope,
Bigger Little B
Eagles - Take it to the Limit
Mama's & Papa's - California Dreamin'
Dion - Runaround Sue
Simon & Garfunkel - Graceland
A-Ha - Take On Me
Eagles - Hotel California
Joan Jett - I Love Rock n Roll
Eddie Money - Take Me Home Tonight
Journey - Faithfully
Survivor - Burning Heart
John Melencamp (yeah he drops the "Cougar" somewhere around 91 I think) - Hurts So Good
Duran Duran - Hungry Like The Wolf
Journey - Open Arms
Queen - We Will Rock You
Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams