Wednesday, January 20, 2016

The Juicy Bits...

Dear Little B,

I know you want to know about all the juicy bits you have to look forward to, so here is a little info I will throw at you as free advice from someone who knows about it and knows you. This may get a little bit Salt n Pepa up in here.

 Hopefully it won't be too much for the faint of heart or get you in trouble incase mom gets ahold of this letter like she did that film case in the top drawer that had your first condom. Not sure if that's happened yet. If not, heads up - don't kid yourself, you can't hide anything from that Sherlock. You may hate it now but DONT.  Take a tip because it will help save your own one day.

Depending on when you are at the time this letter reaches you, I may end up repeating some things you have already been through but take a listen because you often see things very differently many years removed from the situation.

You know you have been wanting to join the initiated. At your age that is totally normal and is going to happen soon enough. I'm not going to tell you not to rush it. Quite honestly it is a natural and enjoyable part of life. (maybe jaded advice coming from someone who practices a fertility religion) This is not a conversation you could have with Mom and you are not close enough to any of your sisters to have an honest talk with any of them.

Lets face it, even your friends..... count them off (even the ones you think are so cool and wise - you know who she is).... Haven't done it yet. Well, only one, and you know who she is because she doesn't really talk about it. Don't grill her because if her Mom found out she would go kamikaze on her and believe it or not after some time she will be your friend again and lead you to several unexpected "Aha moments" in your/my most recent years. I'd hate to see you lose the words of wisdom she gives me regularly without even knowing it. (we'll get into Facebook later)

I hate to burst your bubble but that first time, that magical experience that you've read about in the books you hide under your mattress is going to be shit. I don't say that because I want to let you down, I say that because you are a dreamer. You and every other person your age have built it up to be something it is not, especially not to a newbie. You think it is going to fit into one of two different categories.

CATEGORY 1 - Romantic, soft caresses, music playing in the background ended by falling asleep in each others arms in the muted glow of light and panels of silk blowing in the breeze.

CATEGORY 2 - Hot steamy passion, arms and limbs everywhere, ecstasy pulsing through every vein as you claw and paw at every inch of body you can until you are screaming with release.

Sorry kid, this is real life not a movie. The truth is it will be one Christmas night in a parking lot with your friends brother who you had been on a few dates with. It will be awkward, cramped and cold and you will feel disappointed afterwards. The cool thing is that now you got the expectation out of your head it will be much better. You will have a relationship with him for a while and years later will only remember the good times. I can't even tell you why we no longer see each other. I actually looked him up the other day, he actually joined the military and moved to Florida and probably never thinks of you.

Men will come and go in your life and you will learn all sorts of things, try all sorts of things for better or for worse.  A few things will remain constant, 1. You will never get it as much as you want it. 2. It will never be as mystical as you imagine it will. 3. You will have a few of those magical moments that make for good non-fiction fodder. 

You will eventually come to find out that while it is nice to have memories the juicy bits seem to pale in comparison to other things. I know that seems totally preposterous to you now but it happens to be a fact.  Down the road a bit, trust you (me) the things that are more worth it are not the hot and steamy moments before you fell into the deep evening slumber but the guy that brings you coffee in bed when you are waking up. The one who sits on the couch letting you lay in complete comfort on his chest with his arm around you even though it had to have been completely asleep an hour ago.

Believe me baby girl, in the long run whether you like it or not your body is going to be broken to hell. You will not always be "gumby damnit" and the things that last are not the physical. I know that sounds like old people crap.... well it is, but old people learn that in real time. I'm giving you a glimpse of the you yet to come. You will have a lot of fun and heartbreak learning this lesson but will come out the better and stronger person on the other side. I promise when you do finally find the one, you will not be disappointed (even if you do want to bop him in the nose on occasion).

Be patient with yourself, you will always know the right thing to do for you.

In fond memory of your future,

Bigger Little B

Isn't it funny how songs always seem to come to you even when you are on random play? Today's soundtrack brought to you by....

Michael Jackson - Human Nature
Fall Out Boy - My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark
The Corrs - I know My Love
BonJovi - Bed of Roses
Def Lepard - Pour Some Sugar on Me
B52's - Love Shack
Michael Jackson - Will you be there?
Flogging Molly - Cruel Mistress
Tenacious D - F#%k Her Gently
Green Day - American Idiot
Wilson Phillips - Reckless
Jimmy Buffett - If You Like Pina Coladas
Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind
Elton John - Tony Danza Tiny Dancer
Billy Joel - Vienna
JayZ / Linkin Park - Izzo/In the End
Elvis Presley - In the Ghetto

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