Understanding

Dear Littler B,

I have been mostly positive in the letters that I have been sending to you through this funnel of time, but I know that you are fully aware that all your days are not going to be able to be sunny and you have to be ok with that. So here is a letter about the days that are not.
 

It is amazing how the people who know you the most understand you the least. I don't know if it is that they know who you are and expect you to make special dispensation for them or if they just decided to get close to you so they can get to know you without having to do the work of truly learning the balance of life - coexistence with you. 

Coexistence is a loaded subject. It means you live in harmony with them. It is a tender balance, you give they take - they give you take. The teeter totter that is life. It may not be an easy state to achieve but it is one that is well worth it.  You are going to become so very used to giving without taking, and finding someone who is willing to give is going to be more than a challenge even when you get my age.  If someone truly cares about you they will care about all of you. The perfection and the imperfection.  One day you will be someone's song bird and another the other one you are with will only get irritated by you putting on music and getting lost in it.  One will encourage you to get on that stage no matter what kind of ass you will make of yourself, the others will keep you in the living room, kitchen, mold of what is expected.


Every time you spend with someone new needs to be a whole new set of rules and a whole new you. The old conceptions of who you are have to be redeveloped while maintaining the core of who you are.  Not an easy task to say the least.  Those who are meant to play a big part in your life will understand those things about you. You will not have to be ok with losing so much of who you are that you don't recognize yourself in the mirror.  They will accept you for who you are and not who fits into their concept of what a companion should be. 

While I can tell you that you are going to have some amazing times with amazing people who want to understand you, be with you for you and accept and incorporate the real you into their own being; I can also tell you there are going to be those pretenders.  You will know them in an instant even when you want to pretend you don't. They are the ones who will want you to take care of them, be their trophy, be their mother, be their bedroom entertainment (yes believe it or not), be their comic relief. Don't give them the time of day because if you do you know you will give them a piece of your heart when they don't deserve it.


You will find that one eventually that will be with you for you, one that will encourage you to be you in all the dorky magnificence that you can be.  Don't be afraid to go after it when you find it. Don't let your doubt get in the way, don't let others doubt get in the way.

It's your life to live baby girl and don't you ever forget that fact. When it is right you will know it. When it is wrong you will know it even faster. Don't buck the system that is intuition. It will only lead to regrets at some point down the road.  You do you and let the rest of the world fuck themselves. In the long run if you don't have your own back, no one else will.

In strength and without ragret,

No Ragrets... Not a single letter.

Sad Sappy Songs to Keep Me Company Today


Dixie Chicks - Landslide
Sinead O'Conner - Nothing Compares 2 U
Elvis - Suspicious Minds
Eiffel 65 - Blue
Dixie Chicks - Goodbye Earl
Trisha Yearwood - She's in love with the boy
Deana Carter - Strawberry Wine
Nelly Frutado - I'm Like A Bird
Cam - Burning House
Lee Ann Womak - Dance
Dixie Chicks - You Were Mine
Miley Cyrus - Wrecking Ball
Shania Twain - Any Man of Mine
Brad Paisley / Allison Krause - Whiskey Lullibye
Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger
The Band Perry - If I Die Young
Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice

To My Dark Knight

10 Points of Wisdom - Hard Days Are Coming

Dear Littler B,

I was sitting and thinking this morning about what to write to you and it dawned on me, in the almost 25 years that have passed between you becoming me - I have lived enough life for 3 people.  There has been good and there has been bad.  There have been so many times that would break a regular mortal. You/I have just been blessed to have been born with either the spine and fortitude of titanium or just the inability to see defeat in any situation. Only change and progress that might not have been our original goal.

I'm here at the keyboard and splitting mind time with the television while an old (well maybe not old to you) Eddie Murphy movie is on. The Golden Child. He has just gone through the maze to get the knife without spilling a drop of water. That is exactly what the years have been like for me. Somehow though we always seem to make it with minimal water spilled. (go to blockbuster and get the movie, you'll understand)


***************     INSERT SPOILER ALERT HERE     ********************

Hold on to your hat little me, things are about to begin on that road in a very short time.  Something is about to happen to you that is going to rock the foundation of every thing you know.  It seems that today it may be more accepted today - there will even be a really horrible reality show about it in a couple decades. Sometimes it seems as forward thinking as we are, society is also completely  in backwards motion.

You have had plans and imaginings of what you are going to do with your life. Bubble burst-er  that I seem to have become have the last week or so gives me no joy in letting you know that your about to let go of just about every one of them. More than letting go of them, you are actually going to be so much happier that you did.

You are about to become what you hate, a statistic. You are going to be a teenager who is pregnant.  People are not going to understand or be very kind. I promise they will get over it quickly and in a HUGE way.  Give them their time of shock.  Don't freak out. It seems like a ultimate nightmare scenario but it is going to set you on the path for the best possible things you will ever experience even still when you become me. It will also give you some of the absolute worse times, but the best will make up for it and make a lot of the hurt go right out of your mind.

Confusion is about to rule your brain for the next 24 years until you become me, I can tell you that with absolute certainty. Here is a good example.... One of your sons is going to tell you he joined the military in a few years and you spend the next few years not knowing if that was your proudest moment or the moment you hated more than any other. Jury is still out for me so we will have to discover that answer together. At least in weak moments you will always be able to hold over his head that you had to sell your last pair of combat boots for diapers. (Though wise ass that he is I am always half expecting him to show up with a pair of 14 hole oxblood Doc Martins in a gift bag for me one day)







Here are a few words of wisdom in what you are about to face:

1. Don't give up - It's easy to crawl in bed and cry, I know I've done it. You can handle this. When you need to, go ahead and do the cry bit but then put on your big girl pants and get back at it.

2. Laugh - When ever you possibly can and even when you can't.

3. Don't Spank - I tried it one time unfortunately on the child who is a nervous laugh-er, nuf said.

4. Celebrate the small things -  Any chance you can take joy and make a memory.

5. Don't get hung on materialistic things - Things are just things. I can't stress this enough. In years to come your curio cabinets are not populated by statues and plates that will break (and they will - look at Mom's old folks) They will be full of pinewood derby cars, painted minis and construction paper treasures.

6. Soap in the mouth is going to scar you not them - I only did this once when one of your daughters learned a certain word starting with the letter B. I still can't get that 10 seconds out of my head almost 20 years later.

7. National headlines fade - At one point believe it or not you are going to be getting your 15 minutes of fame over a judge determining religion of your children. Cry your tears and move on, the rest of the world will.

8.  Family is everything - Don't shut them out. Ever. They may not always agree with you, but they are always there for you. No matter what the situation.

9. I Love You - Never miss a chance to let anyone know how much you love them. You will never know if it is the last chance you will get.

10. This too shall pass - I leave you with these words from the wisest man I have ever known, Dad. He is a man of few words but when he opens his mouth to speak, always listen. No matter what the situation it is not the end of the world. (at least it hasn't been up until you become me). You will always find a way through things even when you don't think you can.


From a wiser yet still clueless,

Bigger Little B.



Guns N Roses - Live and Let Die
Def Leopard - Animal
Pat Benatar - Love is a Battlefield
Eagles - Tequila Sunrise
Fleetwood Mac - Dreams
Bob Segar & The Silver Bullet Band - Night Moves
Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight
Eagles - Desperado
The Allman Brothers Band - Midnight Rider
The Steve Miller Band - Take the Money and Run
 Eric Clapton - Layla
Eagles - Peaceful Easy Feeling
The Marshall Tucker Band - Cant You See
The Craig Lewis Band - Change is Gonna Come

I Really Miss MTV

Dear Littler B,

Greetings from across the years. The sun has just barely made its presence known here in Music City, yet here I sit with my 3rd or 4th cup of coffee tapping away at the keys. As a kick in the pants to get my day on I even got dressed and made the walk to the convenience store.



When I got back home I checked my twitter  in a valiant attempt to learn how to use it. (Don't even ask - you'll learn what it is in another couple decades and still will never understand it) One message among many that I received from a young musician caught my eye. It was a link to his video cover of a popular artists song (the cover was much better - trust me).  It was good, really good. It brought me back to once upon a time when I was you and I would spend hours in front of MTV and just get lost in the music. 


I think I was drawn to this message because of what kind of routine I have set myself. Coffee, music, letter and then (the cherry on the cake of my day) the feel good moments of the Ellen Degeneres show. Yep, believe it or not she will become one of the peoples choice for favorite daytime talk shows, go figure.

After looking at the sum of my daily routine it made me think that you would probably roll your eyes at the "old lady"ness of it all, but listen up butter cup.... All these years that have passed between me being you to me being me have really not changed me very much. I despise mornings. No matter how early I went to bed, morning comes and I could linger on my pillow as long as the dreams last.  In my head I am eternally 18.

Needless to say it makes it difficult with a mindset like that to be a grown up, but alas the years I have under my belt that you have yet to see force me to pretend. I am not sure if other adults who are busy in the act of adulting think the same thing.

It would be interesting to ask people and see what their take on it is.  Not that the answer would change me in any way. Some days I truly feel I should get an Oscar or something. I feel like I am only out here playing adult as a role in the production entitled Life on Earth.  I am now about 10 years older than mom is while you read this letter and I really don't feel half as grown up as she was. Maybe it's a personality flaw, maybe its just the typical aversion to doing what you are expected to do. I'm not really sure but I expect I may never understand the concept of "grown-up" like I never understood the concept of hate.  I guess that could be seen as not a bad thing, no?

Well, in the prospect of faking it till I make it I guess I will go tend to some of the urgent tasks that I have been neglecting but I can promise I will be blaring music, singing, dancing and flipping a finger to conformity while I do so.

In youthful exuberance,

Bigger Little B

Songs that kept my ears warm and fuzzy today


Richie Nuzz - Sorry
Michael Jackson - Thriller
Guns N Roses - Sweet Child of Mine
A-Ha - Take On Me
Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
Culture Club - Karma Chameleon
Survivor - Eye of the Tiger
 Pink Floyd - Another Brick in the Wall
George Michael - Careless Whispers
Roxette - Listen To Your Heart
Queen - Another One Bites the Dust
Toto - Africa

Make a Kodak Moment

Good morning dear Littler B,

This day has started off a little slow. I woke up a little bit late this a.m. because I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. That makes for a very low level of motivation to kick off the day, so I switched things up a little bit. I decided to get dressed and walk down to the grocery store to pick up dinner and make lunch for a friend.

I walked by myself in the rain down the path that leads to the grocery store. The right side of the path boasts an apartment complex but the left side is what fascinates me. There is a wooded area some 3/4s of the path long that encompasses about an acre or two. I find myself mentally drifting to when I was you and spent a lot of times in the woods. You are lucky enough to still have them bordering your yard. I miss those woods. I still absolutely love that rock that you go sit on and just write for hours.

That's when it hit me what I wanted to write about today as I'm enjoying the rain softly falling on my cheeks and the quietness of the trees swaying. No matter where you are you have an uncanny knack of finding peace in a simple moment. It's a trait I've actually given classes on. Just being in the moment and letting things outside of that place and time just go.  A couple years ago for me (and couple decades to go for you) someone is going to make a bucket load of money making a song that tells you just that - so it must not be a "too far out-there" concept.


This is going to be about the only way you are going to be able to cope with the toughest times in life. You will either take yourself off to find/make one of these moments and others you will sit and remember these purposeful "Kodak Moments".  They are going to be essential to your being able to balance your state of mind and even work through some anxiety attacks down the road. It's how you will become the mentally well balanced (ok that might be a crock of shit but seriously....) pillar of community that I am today.

I can't stress how important it is for you to do, but make & take the time at least one time a day to put yourself in that situation where you can consciously make a Kodak Moment. Life can really seem perfect in a snap-shot even in the middle of a shit-storm.




Posing for another shot,

Bigger Little B






Christina Perri - A Thousand Years
Adele - Someone Like You
Cam - Burning House
Jana Kramer - I Got the Boy
Adele - Hello
Deana Carter - Strawberry Wine
Dixie Chicks - Not Ready to Make Nice
Sugar Land - Stay
Evanescence - My Immortal
The Band Perry - If I Die Young

Don't Go Status Quo

Dear Littler B,

Here I sit tapping away at this keyboard when I realize there is so much more I should be doing, procrastination however is one of your enduring qualities on the journey of you becoming me. Luckily it's early in the morning and we have plenty of time to get up off our bums and rectify that situation. It's not like anyone is coming to visit and the hubby won't be home from work for hours.

It's amazing what an instant gratification world we live in right now. In the old days if you wanted a meal you worked hard on it and it always took quite time to prepare. Today, you just pop it in the microwave and it's there. Spend your time doing things "you" things and you can cobble together last minute an amazing number of things. In this everybody gets a prize society it really makes self motivation feel like a huge undertaking.  Kids have to bring calculators to school for math and they don't even teach cursive writing anymore! If we don't challenge, those who struggle won't feel left out.

This thought entered my head after a commercial was on this morning for an automobile company where a child's winning team got a trophy for some sport and it said "Participation" on it. The father decided that wouldn't do and he pulls the plaque off and writes "Champs" in its place.  I'm sad to say that these things have begun happening because of our generation. We've begun a system of inclusion that really has led to a lack of striving for success. Why bust your ass if you will get a trophy regardless? I know every generation has their fear for the future stories and until this letter I didn't realize I have become one of them.

 You are going to win two trophies in your life. One will be the one you already have for softball back in '84 and the other will happen many years from now in a bowling league. While they are both things you have earned, the bowling trophy is most definitely the favorite. Why you ask? The answer is simple, it may be small but perched atop the typical marble base is the shape of a golden horses ass. You will get it for being the absolute worst bowler there. The wonderful thing though about that trophy is that you will use it as a motivation to do better and come in a heck of a lot closer to the first place in subsequent years.

I guess the point I am trying to make in all of this is not to accept the status quo. Don't go meekly into the night. There is only one person who can make you accomplish wonderful things and that is you. Don't be afraid to do that. Take this letter out often dear little me and use it to inspire you to do something.

 Do something new, something exciting, something difficult and something that takes practice as often as you possibly can. If you don't how will you ever know what you are good at? I have lived by this method and as a happy accident along the way I have learned to play guitar, paint, cook, teach, sing on stage, fix cars, write a computer program and so much more. Above all it has taught me so much about myself, the incredible spirit of perseverance and fortitude that you don't believe we have.

I am going to go now and take my own advice and self motivate my butt to a mop and dishwasher even if no one is coming to visit. I am visiting me. 

Do you know what happens if you don't try? 

Absolutely nothing.

Manic Monday Music
Eagles - Hotel California
Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence
Rolling Stones - Paint it Black 
Heart - Alone
Tears for Fears - Shout 
Scorpion - Rock You Like A Hurricaine
Police - Dont Stand So Close to Me
Tom Petty - Free Fallin'
Guns N' Roses - Paradise City
Leann Womak - Dance

Take the Time...

Dear Littler B,

Well good morning again. I'm not sure how long we will have this line open or how many letters I'm going to be able to smuggle to you through the pipeline of the years, but I will keep going as long as I have something to say. You know you, so that could be quite a long time with that mouth/mind combo.

Here I sit, same routine as yesterday coffee in one hand and screen in front of me with that blinking cursor begging to travel along the page. What can I tell you today that will make any difference or consolation? I guess again I will let the music be my guide.

I keep wondering where you are hiding reading these letters? Are you down at the tire park at Patania? In your room? No more likely you snuck out your second floor window while everyone is sleeping onto Dad's car and are on that big fallen down tree on the beach of the second lake. I can just see you shaved headed, olive drab flight jacket, big ass earrings so no one mistakes you for a boy and combat boots that have no place on a beach. They should have known not to put us in that bedroom right over the driveway....

I guess that brings me to today's subject. Where ever you are, I know you are probably alone. Not because you don't have friends but because I know how much you value that quiet alone time to sit and just think about everything. As much as you love your friends (both the one you met on the swings that day in 3^rd grade and the tall blonde bombshell who you think you will never hold a candle to) you still have your times that you just like to go hide and soak in the enormity of the experience of life and how to survive in it.

What a mind you have. I'm sure it's because you are always firing on all cylinders because you haven't learned about what ADHD is and you have no clue how to control it. (not that you ever do completely if these letters don't give you a clue on that) Your mind is in so many places at once.

Try this little experiment, put the letter down and look at one of the billion Swatches you have. For 3 minutes just think about 1 thing. You pick what, that bike ride to Pakanack Lake, that friend of yours from Parsippany who you are absolutely in love with but will never tell him, I don't care just pick it.

5 minutes later, I bet you thought of the guy which segued into about 300 things minimum. You started with all good intention of focusing on that one thing and you have no idea how in the name of the Gods you let your sister pop into your head or your dang math teacher (you know the one who makes you use carbon paper) or the Navy or the really hot band teacher (if this gets to you senior year – if not, there's something to look forward to.)

This is one quality that is going to be a huge asset and a huge downfall over the next several years. Some call it scatterbrained, it won't be for several years that they have a medical term for it. One thing I can warn you is that with your mind whirring like it does and at the speed it does, it's going to lead to a high level of anxiety that is not necessary. I know you have already experienced that. Remember that time you got your cherry popped at Rocky Horror and all the sudden couldn't breathe and ended up with your very hot friends extremely hot brother who helped you through it and got you home? That was an anxiety attack.

You are going to feel like you are dying or going to pass out. You are going to feel like you are possessed. You are going to feel lots of things and it's going to happen often until you recognize it for what it is. It will be worse at night when you are supposed to be sleeping and the house is quiet because that is when your mind won't shut off.

I know this seems like a horrible prognosis but it is really not. One of the things that will come hand in hand with the ADHD – Scatterbrained fueled anxiety attack is a burst of adrenalin. You will learn to harness that and do some great things. It will take time to learn but it is so worth it. Pick up your clarinet, play your drums, write, sing, read or anything that takes focus. You will learn to draw, play guitar (yes really) paint, build and so much more. More than these things learn to count. Breathe and count. Count the breaths. There is a science to it, they say if you can get through 20 minutes you have made it through.

People who don't suffer from these attacks will not understand them and it is not something you can ever explain. Just don't try, accept it. You don't know what it's like to be color blind or tall so look at it that way. Be patient with others who have to deal with you and above all be patient with yourself. Fake it till ya make it baby.

Patiently Yours,

Bigger Little B

Kansas – Dust in the Wind

The Corrs – Send Me a Song
Elton John – Crocodile Rock
Jackson 5 – ABC
The Corrs – No Frontiers
Bengals – Eternal Flame
Simon & Garfunkel – Kodachrome
Sinead – No Mans Woman
Beatles – Inner Light
Bob Marley – Three Little Birds
Harry Nillson – Everybodys Talkin'
Stray Cats – Stray Cat Strut
Dixie Chicks – Can't Hurry Love
Sinead – Three Babies
Flogging Molly – The Sun Never Shines
Elton John – Daniel
Dixie Chicks – Sin Wagon
Fallout Boy – Light 'em Up
Garth Brooks – Papa loved Mama
Metallica – Nothing Else Matters
Simon & Garfunkel – I am a Rock
Extreme – More Than Words
Guns N Roses - Patience

The Juicy Bits...

Dear Little B,

I know you want to know about all the juicy bits you have to look forward to, so here is a little info I will throw at you as free advice from someone who knows about it and knows you. This may get a little bit Salt n Pepa up in here.

 Hopefully it won't be too much for the faint of heart or get you in trouble incase mom gets ahold of this letter like she did that film case in the top drawer that had your first condom. Not sure if that's happened yet. If not, heads up - don't kid yourself, you can't hide anything from that Sherlock. You may hate it now but DONT.  Take a tip because it will help save your own one day.

Depending on when you are at the time this letter reaches you, I may end up repeating some things you have already been through but take a listen because you often see things very differently many years removed from the situation.

You know you have been wanting to join the initiated. At your age that is totally normal and is going to happen soon enough. I'm not going to tell you not to rush it. Quite honestly it is a natural and enjoyable part of life. (maybe jaded advice coming from someone who practices a fertility religion) This is not a conversation you could have with Mom and you are not close enough to any of your sisters to have an honest talk with any of them.

Lets face it, even your friends..... count them off (even the ones you think are so cool and wise - you know who she is).... Haven't done it yet. Well, only one, and you know who she is because she doesn't really talk about it. Don't grill her because if her Mom found out she would go kamikaze on her and believe it or not after some time she will be your friend again and lead you to several unexpected "Aha moments" in your/my most recent years. I'd hate to see you lose the words of wisdom she gives me regularly without even knowing it. (we'll get into Facebook later)

I hate to burst your bubble but that first time, that magical experience that you've read about in the books you hide under your mattress is going to be shit. I don't say that because I want to let you down, I say that because you are a dreamer. You and every other person your age have built it up to be something it is not, especially not to a newbie. You think it is going to fit into one of two different categories.

CATEGORY 1 - Romantic, soft caresses, music playing in the background ended by falling asleep in each others arms in the muted glow of light and panels of silk blowing in the breeze.

CATEGORY 2 - Hot steamy passion, arms and limbs everywhere, ecstasy pulsing through every vein as you claw and paw at every inch of body you can until you are screaming with release.

Sorry kid, this is real life not a movie. The truth is it will be one Christmas night in a parking lot with your friends brother who you had been on a few dates with. It will be awkward, cramped and cold and you will feel disappointed afterwards. The cool thing is that now you got the expectation out of your head it will be much better. You will have a relationship with him for a while and years later will only remember the good times. I can't even tell you why we no longer see each other. I actually looked him up the other day, he actually joined the military and moved to Florida and probably never thinks of you.

Men will come and go in your life and you will learn all sorts of things, try all sorts of things for better or for worse.  A few things will remain constant, 1. You will never get it as much as you want it. 2. It will never be as mystical as you imagine it will. 3. You will have a few of those magical moments that make for good non-fiction fodder. 

You will eventually come to find out that while it is nice to have memories the juicy bits seem to pale in comparison to other things. I know that seems totally preposterous to you now but it happens to be a fact.  Down the road a bit, trust you (me) the things that are more worth it are not the hot and steamy moments before you fell into the deep evening slumber but the guy that brings you coffee in bed when you are waking up. The one who sits on the couch letting you lay in complete comfort on his chest with his arm around you even though it had to have been completely asleep an hour ago.

Believe me baby girl, in the long run whether you like it or not your body is going to be broken to hell. You will not always be "gumby damnit" and the things that last are not the physical. I know that sounds like old people crap.... well it is, but old people learn that in real time. I'm giving you a glimpse of the you yet to come. You will have a lot of fun and heartbreak learning this lesson but will come out the better and stronger person on the other side. I promise when you do finally find the one, you will not be disappointed (even if you do want to bop him in the nose on occasion).

Be patient with yourself, you will always know the right thing to do for you.

In fond memory of your future,

Bigger Little B












Isn't it funny how songs always seem to come to you even when you are on random play? Today's soundtrack brought to you by....

Michael Jackson - Human Nature
Fall Out Boy - My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark
The Corrs - I know My Love
BonJovi - Bed of Roses
Def Lepard - Pour Some Sugar on Me
B52's - Love Shack
Michael Jackson - Will you be there?
Flogging Molly - Cruel Mistress
Tenacious D - F#%k Her Gently
Green Day - American Idiot
Wilson Phillips - Reckless
Jimmy Buffett - If You Like Pina Coladas
Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind
Elton John - Tony Danza Tiny Dancer
Billy Joel - Vienna
JayZ / Linkin Park - Izzo/In the End
Elvis Presley - In the Ghetto

Things Mom Got Right & Wrong

Dear Little B,

It's me again, well you, well bigger you. I wanted to take some time to write to you about one of the most influential people in your life, (believe it or not you stubborn brat) Mom. So much of what she says to you goes in one ear and out the other. Don't roll your eyes as I know you are doing. It's just you and.... well you here. You know you do it.

Here are some things to remember.  Mom is your Mother, that being said there are some things I know you don't think about. She is a woman. One who had dreams and ambition and hopes of her own and put them aside to accept the title of Mother. She was you once upon a time. At one point in time she was in high school dating that guy that Grandpa didn't like. She was pretty bad ass, sneaking Dad out the back door so they wouldn't get caught. She used to ride on the back of a motorcycle. Face it you are not even that ballsy. 

She spent a lot of years learning to be the woman that yells at you to clean your room or makes you feel 2" tall because although she may not have heard the words you said, she knows by the voice you said them in you are lying about something. She knows you more than you know yourself and she's been through it all, believe me. Learn to talk to her. She will never put you down or not believe in you if you are honest with her.  It's something that I hate I didn't learn until many years older than you. Not only was this the cause of more time away from Mom than I wish, it is also the cause of every phone call with her being 3-4 hours long. For her sake and ours, open up to her. She is far smarter than you give her credit for.

There are a lot of things she got right. She found an amazing man and held onto him for dear life. Things between Mom & Dad have not always been great, but you will never believe that because it's not what you see. They have struggled a lot, but through it all they worked together. Love is worth that. I would love to say you are going to find that kind of a guy but the verdict is still out this many years later. If old me can make any sense to young me, take their lead. They don't always agree but they always work it out. You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak if you can take this seed to heart and let it bloom.

Do you want to know another thing she got right? Walk upstairs and look in the oriental basket. Go look at her book shelf. Do you see that silver bowl with the ball of yarn in it next to the chair? With all the things she has to do... work, keep 5 daughters straight, grandchildren (depending on when this reaches you), cleaning, cooking etc.... she still finds time to do the things that make her happy. Dad's no different. Go in the garage and look at the railroad or downstairs to the darkroom. Look at that harpsichord for heavens sake. I can't stress further how important something like this is to help you stay happy and balanced. Find a hobby, something you like to do (and I know you like to do a whole lot of things) and make sure you take the time to make you happy. Do all the things you are supposed to do and some of the things you want to do. Create something. Something you can look at and say "I DID THAT!".  All in all, it doesn't matter who is proud of you except you. You owe it to us to allow us that.

I'm sure there are so many more things that she got right but here's one last gem that ties into the next one. Do you ever see her wear rolled up cut off jeans and bobby socks? Are those saddle shoes still in her closet? I know you'd know because you are the only one in the house that raids her shoes because you are the only one with feet big enough. The answer is obviously no. There is a reason for that. Enjoy the fad of the day or more rightly knowing who you/I am the ANTI fad. Those Doc Martins and shaved head are fun while you have them but know they stay where they belong, in the '80s. I know you want me to tell you that you didn't turn into a long haired hippie tree hugging freak like those Earth Day band wagon jumpers, but if it is any consolation I guess that is the ANTI fad now so I've stayed true to character.

Ok, I know you snarky brat. You have been waiting for that list of some of the things that Mom got wrong. I will touch on them a bit here though I am sure there are so many things I will forget as with the brief list before.

The hair. I know I mentioned it before but it begs repeating on the what she got wrong list. You've done everything you can think of with it. Colors that only belong on a rainbow or South American parrot, lengths that society says only belong on an 18 yr old boy at boot camp.  Every time you do something new to it, you get chewed out and know you don't get to go out as much as your other sisters because of fear of others opinions. Let me tell you this baby girl, embrace it. Color it. Wear what you will. Soon enough you are going to have to set out in the grown up world. You are going to have to compromise your artistic style and become what others want to see so you can get that job or that rental. Enjoy every bit of what you are while you can. Before you know it, you will have no choice but to look presentable to the masses on the outside.

Engleburt Humperdink. Ok, this one Mom got WAY wrong. To put it plainly, you know how much you laugh because she thinks EH is the greatest? Well you are right to laugh. He's not cool, he's old his music sucks. To you.  Just remember these criticisms and commit any comments you have to memory because I can promise you in the not too distant future you will be hearing the same thing about Robert W. Smith, Motley Crue, Axel Rose and many more because they are not "Justin" or "Harry".  Just remember every thought you have on EH you are going to have to hear from the mouths of your daughters. It won't always be awful though. Its fun when your kids go through a "retro" phase (which they all do, like you did when you went through that 50s phase and played teen angle over and over) and start playing music you listened to. I guess technically I should say music that you listen to since you are actively discovering your music tastes.

Ok, here's one last thing she got wrong. Honestly, you know those geometry classes with Mrs. C you are taking? Or that Humanities class you have that you almost never show up for? Mom and Dad are going to go fight for you to graduate because of that class by the way. (Why do you have to be such a D-Bag all the time?) Well, the long and short of it is that you will NEVER need those classes. They lied. You won't ever need to know about the most common stone in North America or the gestation period of an elephant. Unfortunately they won't realize and start tailoring school around things you will need for a few decades so in the mean time, what Mom & Dad may not have said but I'm sure they are thinking is "Suck it up". You are going to have to do a lot of things in life that you really don't want to and won't need later in life, but you have to suck it up and get those things done to get what you will need. (in this instance it's a diploma but you can extrapolate this to fit many circumstances that will come up.)

The long and the short of things here to remember, Mom's been there and believe it or not she's probably done that. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Go out of your way for her because she has most definitely done that for you. She won't always be there for you, while she is let her know how much she is appreciated.


I will however leave you with one of my favorite songs today. You should appreciate it, our tastes don't change that much over the many years I am writing to you from. Its a little something to look forward to.

With Honesty,

Bigger Little B

Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
REM - Man In The Moon
Meatloaf - You Took the Words Right Outta My Mouth
Tool - 10000 days
Meatloaf - Paradise by the Dashboard Light
Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings
AC/DC - Big Balls
Tesla - Love Song
Megadeth - A Tout Le Monde
Motley Crue - Home Sweet Home
N'Sync - Bye Bye Bye
Les Miserables - On My Own
Les Miserables - Stars
Mark Dinning - Teen Angel
Billy Boyd - The Last Goodbye

Hello Dear Littler Me

 

Dear Little Me,

I am not sure what I hope to accomplish by these letters to you as I sit in my living room blaring Sister Christian.  Am I looking for a catharsis into why I am the way I am? Am I looking to warn my younger self about the pitfalls and tribulations you will experience? Steer you away from heartache? Nah, I don't think so. Because Little B, you will become the best version of yourself for having experienced these things.  You could take the safe road and be another Stepford or you can be true to who you are, in which case the things I warn you of you will barrel into with such speed it would put the Flash to shame.

There are so many things to look forward to at the same time. Do I tell you about them so that you have something to look forward to? Who knows. I would hate to have my information reach you at a time when you look at it and say "I am going to do things so much bigger" and you run screaming as fast as you can in the other direction so you don't get tripped up. Let me tell you Little Me, those things are a whole lot bigger than you may imagine. The tentacles that reach out from every decision have had such profound changes in areas that you never expected in both big and small ways. You never realize the waves you made have long lasting ripples in the pond.

I'm hoping this reaches you somewhere around 1988-89. Grown up enough to know what you want to do with your life, yet young enough to have the passion and drive to make those things happen. Full of creativity and design to enact some of the greatest things in your life.

These letters will be random and sporadic. I have lots to tell you. Not so you don't make the same mistakes, but so you know that those mistakes have all been worth the making. For every time you've tripped in this life you have found a feather bed waiting at your feet to catch you when you fall. How you ask? Because you have chosen to look at life that way. It may not seem it when you are falling but when you stand up, brush your ass off and look back you realize.... Damn you have good friends, good family, good instincts or just plain dumb luck.

Will I warn you to stay away from that boy in the band, things that were supposed to last forever to my young mind may not always mean the same things as you hope they would; however, he will give you one of the most precious gifts you could ever imagine in this lifetime. Go for it in all its heartache because the amazing wonders you will experience and the way your life will change will never be equaled. If I can offer up one piece of advice there, just don't be afraid to get up on that stage. When the time comes you will know. Sing like no one is listening. Like you are in your bedroom belting out those songs you play on your portable turntable.

You have a lot of good things to look forward to Little B. Internet is pretty much society's lifeline. While it can be a bane of your existence at times, it will also make 1,200 miles seem like the next couch.  I say this as I am putting this letter out there on my laptop computer, those big beastly computers you have are a thing of the past. Microwaves are a mandatory. I'm not just talking about ones like you already have where Kari wants a hotdog and turns the dial to Zero Twenty Five it. MP3 players are the bomb. A device that stores thousands of songs that you can pull up at whim and listen to. So much easier than LPs. A good playlist has the power to get you juiced, nostalgic, sad, happy. ("Hey You" Pink Floyd is playing right now in the background making me think of Mr. D)

Cell phones, also bane and blessing. A device in your pocket that anyone can call at any time and that you can pick up and see how friends and family are doing. Can't go wrong. They have come such a long way since the big bricks you know with the big antenna that you pull out. Captain Kirk was not too far off, yes they have even made them in a watch that you can talk and see the person calling you although they are so expensive no real person can afford one thereby making demand a hell of a lot less than I'm sure they hoped.

There are a lot of things that haven't gotten better though. You know how your home always looks cozy and comfortable? Well that's because Mom makes it look so easy. Having your own place is a heck of a lot harder. I wish I had helped out a lot more looking back across the years. I might have learned a lot more than I did. You know how things always had a place and were clean? SHE did that. Where I sit now, I am that adult and I have to do all that. Its not so bad most of the time. Put on some music and sing and dance around the place cleaning. That only works when you get the motivation so heed my words Little B, be your motivation. You of all people know that you do nothing unless YOU decide you are going to. Being lazy is going to make you your own worst enemy. I know you hate it when Mom says that to you but after decades I have learned that it is unequivocally the only truth this life has taught you.

You know how it always seems you have every thing you need and a lot of times the things you want? Well, that's all your parents. Mom & Dad make it look like it is little effort and everything is provided. Don't drink that Kool-Aid. (That happened in 78 so you should know that phrase). Mom & Dad work and balance insane amount of things to pull off providing for 5 children. Watch them a lot closer and learn. They are the biggest allies you will ever have in this life. Don't miss a second of wisdom you can garner from being in their presence. One day it will be your turn to teach those things to your children the same way. If you don't watch you will land flat on your face in that task instead of the previously mentioned feather bed.

Well, I am sure my first letter has been a bit of a (to use a phrase you use often) verbal diarrhea. I'm hoping as the letters go on I will learn to cull the thoughts that will matter and sprinkle them with the fun things. This will be a fun exercise I think as long as I stick to it. I don't know if they will make a difference in your life Little B, but maybe they will in mine. Who knows where the untraveled road goes?

In Anticipation,

Bigger Little B.




Songs Listened To While Writing

Terry Jacks - Seasons in the Sun
Salt & Peppa - Lets Talk About Sex
Guns & Roses - Sweet Child O Mine
Survivor - The Search is Over
Led Zepplin - Stairway to Heaven
Prince - SeVen
Pink Floyd - Hey You
Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
Pink Floyd - Another Brick in the Wall
Phil Collins - Take a Look at Me Now
Journey - Open Arms
Night Ranger - Sister Christian Follow my blog with Bloglovin