Being Humble

Dear Littler B,

Today I am surrounded by a bit of a scenery change.  I am writing to you on (believe it or not) my phone while I sit in a career center in town preparing to attend an unemployment orientation.  This is one of the sad byproducts of the fall of the economy which you will experience starting around 2000 but won't rear it's ugly fang toothed face full force until 2008.

Unfortunately the job market will chew you up and spit you out a couple of times, but don't despair.  It will encourage you to go many places, meet many wonderful people and allow you to reinvent yourself several times over. This time it has been a little difficult as I really loved the job that I was in and they blind-sided me with "revenue no longer supports your position".

It just seems to be a no win sometimes climbing to get out of the struggle since a big incident happened a little over a year ago.  I will share that information with you only because maybe you might be able to emotionally prepare yourself and handle it a little bit better than I did. Obviously, the "help" didn't come in the way it was hoped as you know I am still sitting here typing from Nashville, but you are resilient and find a way to endure.


The Keyboard Commentarian: Words of the Day: UPDATE & HELP: Last summer, I introduced you to Anthony Howell, the son of a dear friend of mine, Bridget, who was stationed at the Army National Guard, 11...

I finally qualified for a small stipend from unemployment that got unexpectedly frozen until I completed today's orientation so needless to say you are going to go through a time of no power, no telephone and no food when you get to be me.  Don't panic, people are amazingly wonderful. Today for example after my orientation I was able to get a small box of food and bread at the soup kitchen from a bunch of the most kind people I know in town. While it is not a job, it does help to get by. Every little bit helps. (I know you'd rather have the job - don't be ungrateful you little shit)

No matter how bad situations get, you are a survivor. Don't ever give up. Be strong and persevere. Things always find a way to land on their feet. I can keep going knowing that you never quit.



Sincerely, Shaken but Never Broken,

Today the following joined me to keep my ears company

State of TN Career Center PA - Random Elevator Music
Imagine Dragons - On Top of the World
Vangelis - Chariots of Fire
U2 - Beautiful Day
BonJovi - It's My Life
Smash Mouth - All Star
Johnny Nash - I Can See Clearly Now
Louie Armstrong - Beautiful World
David Bowie - Just for One Day
Joanna Pacitti - Watch Me Shine
Kelly Clarkson - Stronger

Whispers

Dear Littler B,

Though I don't have an actual letter prepared today as I have so very much to catch up on in the real world that I have been neglecting since our first letter. I was tagged on a photo today from one of my very best friends and it was too ironic not to send to you.  Listen to the whispers on the wind and I will do the same.

Here's whispering to you kid!

Bigger Little B

Thank you HH for the tag!

Liebster Award!

I was very surprised today when I got nominated for a Liebster Award by WomansPulse! This has been such an amazing journey in self-discovery writing my blog and connecting with other amazing writers in the blogging community.

The Liebster Award is given to new bloggers by other bloggers. It allows new blogs to be discovered and encourages support within the Blogging Community.

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you
2. Share the award on your blog
3. Answer the ten questions
4. Nominate ten new bloggers
5. Ask ten questions
6. Notify your nominees on Social Media

 Questions asked of me

1. Coffee or Tea?
   Without a doubt coffee all day long... IV if it was available. :-)
   
2. Where do you find your content ideas?
   My content ideas for the most part come from life experiences. I sit and play music mostly from the era I am addressing and it immediately puts my mind back into those moments. The fingers start working before the brain even has any idea what they are doing.
   
3. What is your favorite blogging tool?I currently use Blogger/Blogspot. I love the ability to see where in the world my audience is the most. Seeing that someone in a new country has seen my posts.
   
4. Where do you see your blog going?
   I would love to be able to reach and help people who may have gone through similar situations as I but don't know that they are not alone. I would love to encourage self-discovery and encourage people to get in touch with how wonderful they really are!
   
5. Who is your favorite writer?
   This one is such a loaded question. There are so many that I truly can't list a favorite. I love the works of Shakespeare, Bronte, Austen, Alcott, Anne Rice, JK Rowling and Stephen King, but never turn any writing away. My all time favorite story hands down is Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte.
6. What is your best quality?
   This is another hard one for me. Self-praise is not something I do very well. According to my husband, the answer to this my kindness.
7. Facebook or Twitter?
   Yes please! I do use both however I am very new to Twitter and still learning how to use it effectively and not obnoxiously. I am sure anyone who follows me (shameless plug) at @BidyBidyBop will tell you I have a lot to learn.
   
8. Who motivates you? Why?
   Mostly the answer to this would fall to my husband. Upon coming home from work he will often ask me - did you write today? Did you get a new country? How many views did you get? etc. Not because he wants to push me to write but because he wants to encourage me to do something that makes me very happy. He has been such a support in my life no matter what I choose to do. 
   
9. How has blogging changed your life?
   The subject matter of my blog has actually changed my life quite a bit, even though it is in its toddler stage. It has been amazing to reminisce, but it has been even more so put me in touch with who I am today and to be ok with the woman I have become... for better and worse.
   
10. What is your top three blogs your reading?
    I start my day by checking The Keyboard Commentarian.
    Written by the man who introduced me to blogging. He even gave me the greatest gift someone could give by his blogging and helped to find my son during a very difficult time.
    
    I always check in with WomanPulse . I love reading her relationships posts as we have gone through a lot of similar situations in life and are around the same age. I can relate.
    
    I also often check Daily Musings. While sometimes the postings can be religious in nature, Traci always has motivational and inspirational posts. All around "feel-good" go to for me.
    

The following are my nominees - I visit them all regularly though some may not be as new as others. Check them out! 

Sum Of My Pieces  
Blogging to the Oldies
Analysis Worm
One Year of Letters
A Girl of Some Importance
Grace & Giggles
Diary of a New Mommy
Christian Touchet
The Keyboard Commentarian
ReViews by HMF
 



My 10 Questions for nominees:

1. What encouraged you to start your blog?
2. What niche/genre is your blog?
3. Do you post on a schedule or when the inspiration takes you?
4. What are some of your big milestones that you have celebrated for your blog?
5. Do you use social media to promote your blog? Links?
6. On average how long do you find you spend putting together a post?
7. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
8. What is the link to your favorite post on your blog and why?
9. What is your guilty pleasure in literature?
10. What is 1 piece of advice you have to give other new bloggers?

Thank you Heidi @ WomanPulse  again for the nomination! Happy Blogging everyone! 

 

 

Everything I Needed To Know

Dear Littler Me,

Good morning and all that warm fuzzy greeting stuff that you are supposed to say at the beginning of a letter.  Today I thought I would write to you about something that has been in the back of my head for a little while, hence the title of this letter, "Everything I needed to know I learned from Ellen DeGeneres"

This as always is just a few points of wisdom for you to live by. It's done me wonders.

Sincerely,

Bigger Little B.

Don't be afraid to be who you are.

 “Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are.” Ellen DeGeneres

The universe is so much bigger than you or I (same thing in this case) imagine.

“The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.” Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously I'm Kidding

Stand up for what you believe in.

 No matter what your cause or what it is you believe go at it with your whole heart and soul if it is important to you.

Nothing feels better than giving.

No matter what you have in life, trust me.... Someone else has less. Things are nice but the feeling of spreading love will last forever.

Except when it is a complete surprise. 

Exceed expectations every chance you can.

Never give up

Life is hard. The day to day living is hard enough without adding dreams into it. But just think of the dreams you will accomplish if you give up...

Always see the humor in life

“Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, "I can't tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let's walk faster." - Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously I'm Kidding

 

When all else fails.... Dance

Thank you GoodReads.com for helping me with some of the quotes above.


Today's background sound provided by biography.com & Youtube
http://www.biography.com/people/ellen-degeneres-9542420/videos/ellen-degeneres-full-episode-2244678863

 

Brief History of Your Future

Dear Littler Me,

Hi there from a windy Monday in 2016. I've got Hulu playing in the background, coffee in a cup next to me and a complete blank space between my ears. I just can't seem to kick it into gear no matter how I try.

You are going to have a whole lot of days like this when motivation just seems to be no where in sight. Somehow, we can usually push through it but I'm thinking today may not be one of those days.  That leaves me with the conundrum of what to write to you today about. So many memories, so little time.

I don't know how long this channel to you will be open so I've been trying to tell you about as many of the the big and small things that I can.  I've really hit on some of the big ones... Joining the Navy, teen and pregnant, marriage, multiple kids, children in the military, Nashville.... and so on. Maybe today I will hit on some of the not so deep things. A little bit of years to come for you in a brief list.

Enjoy!

Bigger Little B

1991 - Stay away from anyone named Jeffrey Dahlmer, heartbreak over the British family, WWW coming!

1992 - Teflon Don, Sammy the Bull and Amy Fisher are going to be big names, Say goodbye to Johnny Carson.

1993 - Religious fanatics in Texas, Dinosaurs in the Movies, World Trade Center, women in combat and Bobbitt becomes a verb.

1994 - No world series, King of Pop marries into King of Rock's family, we say goodbye to Nixon, Cobain & Jackie O

1995 - Netscape, first widespread GUI, OJ gets away and the legacy of Jerry Garcia.

1996 - Una-bomber, Nintendo64, Dolly the sheep, softball in the Olympics.

1997 - An independent Hong Kong, Heavens Gate, the world learns about quidditch, the world mourns Princess Di.



1998 - Monica and the POTUS, McGuire & Sosa race each other, ISS and women around the world celebrate the invention of Viagra.

1999 - Columbine, Pokemon, Y2K apocalypse scare, Dream Team is formed

2000 - Putin appointed, GWB elected, the real Slim Shady stood up, Big Brother comes to the waves.

2001 - Wikipedia becomes a go-to, Twin Towers fall and the War on Terror begins.

2002 - Gitmo goes into operation, Euro spreads, MV Prestige, Monsters Ball

2003 - Columbia Disaster, SARS, European heat wave.

2004 - Facebook redefines life as we know it, Google, Tsunamis and Martha Stewart is going to jail.

2005 - Youtube is launched, Pope John Paul II leaves the world, Michael Jackson is in court and Katrina devastates the US.

2006 - Twitter goes live, Pluto gets a demotion, Saddam Hussein is executed.

2007 - Brittney goes over the edge, the iPhone is launched, Live Earth entertains the world.

2008 - First black president of US, Hadron Collider is switched on, Black Monday becomes a household name.

2009 - Death of the king of pop, Ardi the oldest humanoid, Elections in Afghanistan, BRCA testing.

2010 - Worlds tallest building, Pandora becomes a place with big blue indigenous species, JKs saga comes to an end, Gulf oil crisis.

2011 - Osama Bin Laden, Gabby Gifford, Japan is threatened by radiation, Royal weddings and we say good bye to a movie legend Elizabeth Taylor.

2012 - Diamond Jubilee, Curiosity Rover, shootings in Aurora movie theater, Whitney Houston.

2013 - Boston marathon bombing, Meteor lights up sky over Russia, the year of Miley, Pope resigns.

2014 - Maya Angelou dies, Chaos from Russia, Columbus' ship Santa Maria found, Jay Leno finally retires.

2015 - The people take over government building, Harper Lee back in print, Charlie Hebdo, US & Cuba open public travel, Trump for President????

2016 - Who knows! Can't wait to see!

Eagles - Take It Easy
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Up Around the Bend
John Fogerty - Have You Ever Seen the Rain
Eagles - Hotel California
Don Maclane - American Pie
Cam - Burning House
Thomas Rhett - Die a Happy Man
Luke Bryan - Strip it Down
Lennon & Maisey - Call Your Girlfriend
Chris Jansen - Buy Me a Boat

Even A Shade Of Mom

Dear Little B,

Today is a special day so I decided to do something special.  It's Mom's birthday, so here I sit playing Celtic music ....You are going to LOVE Pandora...., drinking coffee and remembering all the things that Mom will do for you. (and there will be a lot) This woman, who at a tender teenage year married and started the journey that you would join several days later along with your 4 sisters.

Mom is a tough bird who never loses that soft edge. If there is one thing I regret the most in life, its that I was never able to be half the mother she was and is. I don't say that because she was perfect (which she was in my eyes) but because no matter what is going to happen she is going to keep it together. So, here comes today's advice.

Your children are not going to be children long. You are going to have times you want to rip your hair out. You are going to want to scream at the top of your lungs. You are going to want to sit and cry and say "I can't do this!!!" but you will never think or say you wish you hadn't. Roll with the punches and learn to laugh.

One time, for example; you are going to be driving to work about an hour away in the horrible NJ traffic and you will think your oldest at 3 is sleeping peacefully like an angel in the back. HEADS UP! What he is really doing is using bright red lipstick that he pulled out of your purse to draw on as much of his face and your powder blue interior of your first car. If you hadn't been late for work and just pulling to a park at daycare you might have been able to find the situation as funny as I do now looking back on it. That one will be the devil himself and an absolute angel all rolled into one.


Little B, listen to me and heed my words here. They are going to challenge you both physically, financially and without equal emotionally. There will be times when you won't sleep for worrying about one of them being sick or not having enough to eat. There will also be times when your heart seems so full to bursting you couldn't imagine you could take any more. When you become me, you relish every bit of those times - bad and good alike. Even when they become horrible teenagers and you can never do any right.

Time with your children is going to be short, savor every single second. Include them in everything you do. Let them help you make dinner even if it will take twice as long as be twice as hard to clean up. It will help you on your journey to becoming even half the woman she is and even more it will give your own kids those moments to remember.

Be honest with yourself even if you can't be with everyone else (like that time you are going to be chasing a rainbow in Parsippany with the kids and are going to hit the car in front of you with Mom's car). Make memories with your kids because in the end, like it or not, if all works well they will leave and those memories will surround you when they no longer have the time to do so. Enjoy your time and keep a sense of humor and strive to be even a shade of mom.

Lipsticklessly yours,

Bigger Little B

The Corrs - Runaway
Six Pence None the Richer - Kiss Me
Sophie B. Hawkins - As I Lay Me Down
Gaelic Storm - The Devil Went Down to Doolin
Paddy Reily - The Town I Loved So Well
The High Kings - The Wild Rover (No Nay Never)
The Dubliners - The Partin' Glass
Foster & Allen - Maggie
Paddy Riley - The Old Refrain
The Irish Rovers - The Black Velvet Band
The Dubliners - Whiskey in the Jar
Sharon Shannon - The Gallway Girl
The High Kings - Red Is The Rose
 The High Kings - Will Ye Go Lassie?
The Clancy Boys - Wild Colonial Boy bedb821fa30d00a3cce60ed5fb7bca0635e3f0952f990be0ee

Make a Kodak Moment

Good morning dear Littler B,

This day has started off a little slow. I woke up a little bit late this a.m. because I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. That makes for a very low level of motivation to kick off the day, so I switched things up a little bit. I decided to get dressed and walk down to the grocery store to pick up dinner and make lunch for a friend.

I walked by myself in the rain down the path that leads to the grocery store. The right side of the path boasts an apartment complex but the left side is what fascinates me. There is a wooded area some 3/4s of the path long that encompasses about an acre or two. I find myself mentally drifting to when I was you and spent a lot of times in the woods. You are lucky enough to still have them bordering your yard. I miss those woods. I still absolutely love that rock that you go sit on and just write for hours.

That's when it hit me what I wanted to write about today as I'm enjoying the rain softly falling on my cheeks and the quietness of the trees swaying. No matter where you are you have an uncanny knack of finding peace in a simple moment. It's a trait I've actually given classes on. Just being in the moment and letting things outside of that place and time just go.  A couple years ago for me (and couple decades to go for you) someone is going to make a bucket load of money making a song that tells you just that - so it must not be a "too far out-there" concept.


This is going to be about the only way you are going to be able to cope with the toughest times in life. You will either take yourself off to find/make one of these moments and others you will sit and remember these purposeful "Kodak Moments".  They are going to be essential to your being able to balance your state of mind and even work through some anxiety attacks down the road. It's how you will become the mentally well balanced (ok that might be a crock of shit but seriously....) pillar of community that I am today.

I can't stress how important it is for you to do, but make & take the time at least one time a day to put yourself in that situation where you can consciously make a Kodak Moment. Life can really seem perfect in a snap-shot even in the middle of a shit-storm.




Posing for another shot,

Bigger Little B






Christina Perri - A Thousand Years
Adele - Someone Like You
Cam - Burning House
Jana Kramer - I Got the Boy
Adele - Hello
Deana Carter - Strawberry Wine
Dixie Chicks - Not Ready to Make Nice
Sugar Land - Stay
Evanescence - My Immortal
The Band Perry - If I Die Young

Hold On For One More Day

Dear Little B,
 
Good morning across the years. I have locked into what seems to be my regular routine now a days of coffee, music and window watching with the exception of slow cooking a pot of chili as I
type my letter to you. Yes, you learn how to cook but not very well. Piece of advice? Never get less than 80/20 and for heavens sake get decent kitchen ware. Put me out of my misery. You will learn to love stews and "one pot wonders", much more than that is as common around here as a yeti due to necessity. 
 
We are bracing for a snow storm the likes of which we haven't seen in this area for several years supposedly. I laugh at that idea. Where you are snow means nothing, but remember when Mom & Dad moved us moved down to SC and if they even talked about snow on the news EVERYTHING shut down. (Spoiler Alert) It's a lot like that here in Nashville. They've been talking about this for days, the coming "Snowmageddon" or "Snowpocalypse". There is supposed to be about 4" of snow. Do you need a second to go get a paper towel to sop up the Jolt that sprayed out of your nose while you were laughing? In all honesty though, in the south's defense they really don't have it often enough to know how to handle it or learn to drive in it. They are ill equipped.
 

 
I know the only word out of that sentence you really comprehended was Nashville. Yes, you moved to Tennessee several years ago and YES you finally get to go to Graceland. Dream upon dreams isn't it? Even now the girl who has a shaved head and combat boots hanging out in NYC amongst all the big hair Aqua Net freaks still has that poster of Elvis up on her wall. You can't lie to me, I've been there remember? 

You have quite a few things on that to-do list in your journal that are going to be scratched out. Some not as soon as others, but in the end you accomplish most of what is already there and will add one for every one you tick off so that things never get boring.  Yes you will live for a brief time in NYC and yes you will make it out of the country (Twice so far, but hopefully time will change that).
 
 I know you are wondering why I am telling you these things. When you get older you will get the "I wish I could smack my young self in the head and told them look what you will become" feeling.  It may not be spectacular. You may not be singing on a stage, publishing that new book, rubbing elbows with the elite but you are gloriously and beautifully ALL YOU. It's going to be a long time until you figure out what that is and just when you think you know, you will reinvent yourself. Lets face it, you are not one who handles stagnation or boredom well.

Brace yourself kid, you are going to be disappointed and you are going to cry - buckets.  There are going to be more than a few times we go through that seem dark. Very dark indeed. Two in particular you are going to feel like there is no hope, no option, no shining sun. Know that it is ok to feel that way. The best thing about times like this are the times when you are on the other side of it and you look back. The beauty of the strong as iron spine you developed. The aspects of your character that you never believed you had will arise and surprise the hell out of you.

(insert palm slap to the forehead here)

The thing that you need to remember at these times (and these two in particular) is that believe it or not you WILL get through it and find ways to mend, cope and excel. Don't give up. Taking the easy way out is not as easy as you think. Sure, it may be for you but in the short term think of the resulting chaos. Mom & Dad, your family, your friends and yes even once your children. Is that the legacy you want to leave them? Twice you will try and luckily for me, twice you will fail.

I don't say things will ever be perfect but I do say thing will be perfect and that is what you will have to grasp onto to pull yourself through it. When I say thing I mean a moment or a sunset, a song or a breeze.  Just let yourself let go mentally enough to grab onto just 1 thing. No, it will not make your problems go away but it will give you a chance to step out of your beautiful horrible overworked mind long enough to take a break from self-torture.  Soon you will be able to string a thing together with another thing and before you know it things will look a heck of a lot better than they did.

I am lucky I have this chance to tell you about the things you wouldn't have if you had succeeded, most people don't get that. You have a man who loves you more than anything in the world, you have beautiful children, you have a kind and giving heart borne out of the ashes of many fires you were not able to put out and quite honestly at the age I am now I'm damn sexier than I was 10 and 20 years ago. Your life is beautiful in all its flaws because of the turmoil not in spite of it.  Even this many years later when I have lived longer on my own than at home something that Dad said rings in my head no matter what the difficulty. "This too shall pass". No matter how difficult things may seem, you can handle it even if you think you can't.

You are a Phoenix who always rises from the ashes. I can't wait to see what our next incarnation will bring!

In Love and Hope,

Bigger Little B 
 
 
 
 
 
Eagles - Take it to the Limit
Mama's & Papa's - California Dreamin'
Dion - Runaround Sue
Simon & Garfunkel - Graceland
A-Ha - Take On Me
Eagles - Hotel California
Joan Jett - I Love Rock n Roll
Eddie Money - Take Me Home Tonight
Journey - Faithfully
Survivor - Burning Heart
John Melencamp (yeah he drops the "Cougar" somewhere around 91 I think) - Hurts So Good
Duran Duran - Hungry Like The Wolf
Journey - Open Arms
Queen - We Will Rock You
Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams

Take the Time...

Dear Littler B,

Well good morning again. I'm not sure how long we will have this line open or how many letters I'm going to be able to smuggle to you through the pipeline of the years, but I will keep going as long as I have something to say. You know you, so that could be quite a long time with that mouth/mind combo.

Here I sit, same routine as yesterday coffee in one hand and screen in front of me with that blinking cursor begging to travel along the page. What can I tell you today that will make any difference or consolation? I guess again I will let the music be my guide.

I keep wondering where you are hiding reading these letters? Are you down at the tire park at Patania? In your room? No more likely you snuck out your second floor window while everyone is sleeping onto Dad's car and are on that big fallen down tree on the beach of the second lake. I can just see you shaved headed, olive drab flight jacket, big ass earrings so no one mistakes you for a boy and combat boots that have no place on a beach. They should have known not to put us in that bedroom right over the driveway....

I guess that brings me to today's subject. Where ever you are, I know you are probably alone. Not because you don't have friends but because I know how much you value that quiet alone time to sit and just think about everything. As much as you love your friends (both the one you met on the swings that day in 3^rd grade and the tall blonde bombshell who you think you will never hold a candle to) you still have your times that you just like to go hide and soak in the enormity of the experience of life and how to survive in it.

What a mind you have. I'm sure it's because you are always firing on all cylinders because you haven't learned about what ADHD is and you have no clue how to control it. (not that you ever do completely if these letters don't give you a clue on that) Your mind is in so many places at once.

Try this little experiment, put the letter down and look at one of the billion Swatches you have. For 3 minutes just think about 1 thing. You pick what, that bike ride to Pakanack Lake, that friend of yours from Parsippany who you are absolutely in love with but will never tell him, I don't care just pick it.

5 minutes later, I bet you thought of the guy which segued into about 300 things minimum. You started with all good intention of focusing on that one thing and you have no idea how in the name of the Gods you let your sister pop into your head or your dang math teacher (you know the one who makes you use carbon paper) or the Navy or the really hot band teacher (if this gets to you senior year – if not, there's something to look forward to.)

This is one quality that is going to be a huge asset and a huge downfall over the next several years. Some call it scatterbrained, it won't be for several years that they have a medical term for it. One thing I can warn you is that with your mind whirring like it does and at the speed it does, it's going to lead to a high level of anxiety that is not necessary. I know you have already experienced that. Remember that time you got your cherry popped at Rocky Horror and all the sudden couldn't breathe and ended up with your very hot friends extremely hot brother who helped you through it and got you home? That was an anxiety attack.

You are going to feel like you are dying or going to pass out. You are going to feel like you are possessed. You are going to feel lots of things and it's going to happen often until you recognize it for what it is. It will be worse at night when you are supposed to be sleeping and the house is quiet because that is when your mind won't shut off.

I know this seems like a horrible prognosis but it is really not. One of the things that will come hand in hand with the ADHD – Scatterbrained fueled anxiety attack is a burst of adrenalin. You will learn to harness that and do some great things. It will take time to learn but it is so worth it. Pick up your clarinet, play your drums, write, sing, read or anything that takes focus. You will learn to draw, play guitar (yes really) paint, build and so much more. More than these things learn to count. Breathe and count. Count the breaths. There is a science to it, they say if you can get through 20 minutes you have made it through.

People who don't suffer from these attacks will not understand them and it is not something you can ever explain. Just don't try, accept it. You don't know what it's like to be color blind or tall so look at it that way. Be patient with others who have to deal with you and above all be patient with yourself. Fake it till ya make it baby.

Patiently Yours,

Bigger Little B

Kansas – Dust in the Wind

The Corrs – Send Me a Song
Elton John – Crocodile Rock
Jackson 5 – ABC
The Corrs – No Frontiers
Bengals – Eternal Flame
Simon & Garfunkel – Kodachrome
Sinead – No Mans Woman
Beatles – Inner Light
Bob Marley – Three Little Birds
Harry Nillson – Everybodys Talkin'
Stray Cats – Stray Cat Strut
Dixie Chicks – Can't Hurry Love
Sinead – Three Babies
Flogging Molly – The Sun Never Shines
Elton John – Daniel
Dixie Chicks – Sin Wagon
Fallout Boy – Light 'em Up
Garth Brooks – Papa loved Mama
Metallica – Nothing Else Matters
Simon & Garfunkel – I am a Rock
Extreme – More Than Words
Guns N Roses - Patience

Soar Without Fear....

Dear Littler B,

I'm sitting here listening to my music and staring outside at the snow gently coming down trying to decide what to write to you today about. Sitting next to our puppy and drinking my third cup of coffee. Yes, you will drink copious amounts of coffee before noon to get your ass in gear. The good thing is coffee has gotten much better over the years. It's almost become a science. It's not like that coffee that they serve in that cafeteria machine although I know you like that crap.  Nor is it like the swill Mom & Dad make with the skim milk. Have they switched to skim yet? It seems when people get a certain age they all the sudden think they can make changes and wipe out all the bad crap they put into their body all along. Don't believe the hype. You should be making those changes now. Quit going down to the store every morning with that friend of yours just before school so you can sneak smokes and get your regular breakfast of Reese's cups and Jolt Cola. Get a jump on it. Early bird and all that crap.

I know you read all that as coffee...blah blah blah... PUPPY!!!! Yes, you have a puppy. He is several years old right now even though I call him a puppy. I know you are in love with those two Alaskan Malamutes in the house over by Gwen's but you might as well love them from afar because after several years of trying you are going to do the unthinkable and fall in love with a little yap yap dog.  He's going to be your best friend and know just how to treat you no matter what your mood.

In her defense (Older you, younger me) he does not yap at all and he is not annoying like most.  It was one of those love at first sight situations, she couldn't help it.  It was a 50/50 shot, could have gone either way because when she first saw him he was sleeping.  I'm not going to tell you where and when, space time continuum and all that rot. This is one of the things I'd thank you not to screw up. :-) I know you don't know what the heck :-) is but you will use it often. Tilt your head to the left slightly, it will make sense.

I know the last couple letters I've been trying not to shoot down being "grown up". There is a lot you are going to miss, but there is a lot you have to look forward to as well. You know those things you love to do right now? Well listen to you several years down the road and older than even Mom is right now, there is only one of those things that is going to remain constant - your family (well, your baby blanket too. You may have aged 25 years but you still sleep with it every night, but so does Kari so you obviously are not that off your rocker).  I hate to say it but you are going to have to suck it up, change is inevitable. 

Don't be afraid to change. I know you like I know myself (yes that was a joke dumb ass, I know you are myself). You are the kind of girl that likes change on the outside but not one that lets go on the inside. It's going to burn you up more than a few times. Mom's favorite analogy is that you are like a bird that soars high and then free falls in a spiral because you don't know when to catch the next wind. You will be afraid to let go of relationships you are not willing to admit are bad, ideas you are sure will pan out if you just work harder, things that you think you can't live without.

If I could save you the pain, I would but you are stubborn. You would probably rush head on into something I warned you against just because authority is not your bag baby (you'll get that phrase in a couple years too). Then again, maybe I won't because it makes you who I am today. I will however tell you that several times in your life you are going to lose everything you have and at the time you will think every thing you are. You WILL come out of it on the other side, I promise. I wouldn't be here writing to you today if you didn't. What you will come to learn is that things are just things, you are stronger than you think you are and more importantly it's who goes through it with you and is there on the other side that matters.

Don't be afraid to soar because you are expecting that impending spiral. Some of your best memories are going to be of those times. The times you flew and believe it or not the times you fell.


Confidently yours,

Bigger Little B


Daddy's Little Girl/Butterfly Kisses - Faith Hill & Tim McGraw
Fancy - Reba
Dixie Chicks - Long Time Gone
Dixie Chicks - Sin Wagon
Metallica - One
Metallica - Turn The Page
Megan Trainor - All About That Bass
Bon Jovi - It's My Life
Metallica - Whiskey in the Jar
Metallica - Nothing Else Matters
Kiss - Beth
Linkin Park - I Tried So Hard
LoverBoy - Heaven in your Eyes
Lynard Skynard - Sweet Home Alabama
Mischief Brew - Watching Scotty Die
Lynard Skynard - Free Bird

The Juicy Bits...

Dear Little B,

I know you want to know about all the juicy bits you have to look forward to, so here is a little info I will throw at you as free advice from someone who knows about it and knows you. This may get a little bit Salt n Pepa up in here.

 Hopefully it won't be too much for the faint of heart or get you in trouble incase mom gets ahold of this letter like she did that film case in the top drawer that had your first condom. Not sure if that's happened yet. If not, heads up - don't kid yourself, you can't hide anything from that Sherlock. You may hate it now but DONT.  Take a tip because it will help save your own one day.

Depending on when you are at the time this letter reaches you, I may end up repeating some things you have already been through but take a listen because you often see things very differently many years removed from the situation.

You know you have been wanting to join the initiated. At your age that is totally normal and is going to happen soon enough. I'm not going to tell you not to rush it. Quite honestly it is a natural and enjoyable part of life. (maybe jaded advice coming from someone who practices a fertility religion) This is not a conversation you could have with Mom and you are not close enough to any of your sisters to have an honest talk with any of them.

Lets face it, even your friends..... count them off (even the ones you think are so cool and wise - you know who she is).... Haven't done it yet. Well, only one, and you know who she is because she doesn't really talk about it. Don't grill her because if her Mom found out she would go kamikaze on her and believe it or not after some time she will be your friend again and lead you to several unexpected "Aha moments" in your/my most recent years. I'd hate to see you lose the words of wisdom she gives me regularly without even knowing it. (we'll get into Facebook later)

I hate to burst your bubble but that first time, that magical experience that you've read about in the books you hide under your mattress is going to be shit. I don't say that because I want to let you down, I say that because you are a dreamer. You and every other person your age have built it up to be something it is not, especially not to a newbie. You think it is going to fit into one of two different categories.

CATEGORY 1 - Romantic, soft caresses, music playing in the background ended by falling asleep in each others arms in the muted glow of light and panels of silk blowing in the breeze.

CATEGORY 2 - Hot steamy passion, arms and limbs everywhere, ecstasy pulsing through every vein as you claw and paw at every inch of body you can until you are screaming with release.

Sorry kid, this is real life not a movie. The truth is it will be one Christmas night in a parking lot with your friends brother who you had been on a few dates with. It will be awkward, cramped and cold and you will feel disappointed afterwards. The cool thing is that now you got the expectation out of your head it will be much better. You will have a relationship with him for a while and years later will only remember the good times. I can't even tell you why we no longer see each other. I actually looked him up the other day, he actually joined the military and moved to Florida and probably never thinks of you.

Men will come and go in your life and you will learn all sorts of things, try all sorts of things for better or for worse.  A few things will remain constant, 1. You will never get it as much as you want it. 2. It will never be as mystical as you imagine it will. 3. You will have a few of those magical moments that make for good non-fiction fodder. 

You will eventually come to find out that while it is nice to have memories the juicy bits seem to pale in comparison to other things. I know that seems totally preposterous to you now but it happens to be a fact.  Down the road a bit, trust you (me) the things that are more worth it are not the hot and steamy moments before you fell into the deep evening slumber but the guy that brings you coffee in bed when you are waking up. The one who sits on the couch letting you lay in complete comfort on his chest with his arm around you even though it had to have been completely asleep an hour ago.

Believe me baby girl, in the long run whether you like it or not your body is going to be broken to hell. You will not always be "gumby damnit" and the things that last are not the physical. I know that sounds like old people crap.... well it is, but old people learn that in real time. I'm giving you a glimpse of the you yet to come. You will have a lot of fun and heartbreak learning this lesson but will come out the better and stronger person on the other side. I promise when you do finally find the one, you will not be disappointed (even if you do want to bop him in the nose on occasion).

Be patient with yourself, you will always know the right thing to do for you.

In fond memory of your future,

Bigger Little B












Isn't it funny how songs always seem to come to you even when you are on random play? Today's soundtrack brought to you by....

Michael Jackson - Human Nature
Fall Out Boy - My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark
The Corrs - I know My Love
BonJovi - Bed of Roses
Def Lepard - Pour Some Sugar on Me
B52's - Love Shack
Michael Jackson - Will you be there?
Flogging Molly - Cruel Mistress
Tenacious D - F#%k Her Gently
Green Day - American Idiot
Wilson Phillips - Reckless
Jimmy Buffett - If You Like Pina Coladas
Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind
Elton John - Tony Danza Tiny Dancer
Billy Joel - Vienna
JayZ / Linkin Park - Izzo/In the End
Elvis Presley - In the Ghetto

Things Mom Got Right & Wrong

Dear Little B,

It's me again, well you, well bigger you. I wanted to take some time to write to you about one of the most influential people in your life, (believe it or not you stubborn brat) Mom. So much of what she says to you goes in one ear and out the other. Don't roll your eyes as I know you are doing. It's just you and.... well you here. You know you do it.

Here are some things to remember.  Mom is your Mother, that being said there are some things I know you don't think about. She is a woman. One who had dreams and ambition and hopes of her own and put them aside to accept the title of Mother. She was you once upon a time. At one point in time she was in high school dating that guy that Grandpa didn't like. She was pretty bad ass, sneaking Dad out the back door so they wouldn't get caught. She used to ride on the back of a motorcycle. Face it you are not even that ballsy. 

She spent a lot of years learning to be the woman that yells at you to clean your room or makes you feel 2" tall because although she may not have heard the words you said, she knows by the voice you said them in you are lying about something. She knows you more than you know yourself and she's been through it all, believe me. Learn to talk to her. She will never put you down or not believe in you if you are honest with her.  It's something that I hate I didn't learn until many years older than you. Not only was this the cause of more time away from Mom than I wish, it is also the cause of every phone call with her being 3-4 hours long. For her sake and ours, open up to her. She is far smarter than you give her credit for.

There are a lot of things she got right. She found an amazing man and held onto him for dear life. Things between Mom & Dad have not always been great, but you will never believe that because it's not what you see. They have struggled a lot, but through it all they worked together. Love is worth that. I would love to say you are going to find that kind of a guy but the verdict is still out this many years later. If old me can make any sense to young me, take their lead. They don't always agree but they always work it out. You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak if you can take this seed to heart and let it bloom.

Do you want to know another thing she got right? Walk upstairs and look in the oriental basket. Go look at her book shelf. Do you see that silver bowl with the ball of yarn in it next to the chair? With all the things she has to do... work, keep 5 daughters straight, grandchildren (depending on when this reaches you), cleaning, cooking etc.... she still finds time to do the things that make her happy. Dad's no different. Go in the garage and look at the railroad or downstairs to the darkroom. Look at that harpsichord for heavens sake. I can't stress further how important something like this is to help you stay happy and balanced. Find a hobby, something you like to do (and I know you like to do a whole lot of things) and make sure you take the time to make you happy. Do all the things you are supposed to do and some of the things you want to do. Create something. Something you can look at and say "I DID THAT!".  All in all, it doesn't matter who is proud of you except you. You owe it to us to allow us that.

I'm sure there are so many more things that she got right but here's one last gem that ties into the next one. Do you ever see her wear rolled up cut off jeans and bobby socks? Are those saddle shoes still in her closet? I know you'd know because you are the only one in the house that raids her shoes because you are the only one with feet big enough. The answer is obviously no. There is a reason for that. Enjoy the fad of the day or more rightly knowing who you/I am the ANTI fad. Those Doc Martins and shaved head are fun while you have them but know they stay where they belong, in the '80s. I know you want me to tell you that you didn't turn into a long haired hippie tree hugging freak like those Earth Day band wagon jumpers, but if it is any consolation I guess that is the ANTI fad now so I've stayed true to character.

Ok, I know you snarky brat. You have been waiting for that list of some of the things that Mom got wrong. I will touch on them a bit here though I am sure there are so many things I will forget as with the brief list before.

The hair. I know I mentioned it before but it begs repeating on the what she got wrong list. You've done everything you can think of with it. Colors that only belong on a rainbow or South American parrot, lengths that society says only belong on an 18 yr old boy at boot camp.  Every time you do something new to it, you get chewed out and know you don't get to go out as much as your other sisters because of fear of others opinions. Let me tell you this baby girl, embrace it. Color it. Wear what you will. Soon enough you are going to have to set out in the grown up world. You are going to have to compromise your artistic style and become what others want to see so you can get that job or that rental. Enjoy every bit of what you are while you can. Before you know it, you will have no choice but to look presentable to the masses on the outside.

Engleburt Humperdink. Ok, this one Mom got WAY wrong. To put it plainly, you know how much you laugh because she thinks EH is the greatest? Well you are right to laugh. He's not cool, he's old his music sucks. To you.  Just remember these criticisms and commit any comments you have to memory because I can promise you in the not too distant future you will be hearing the same thing about Robert W. Smith, Motley Crue, Axel Rose and many more because they are not "Justin" or "Harry".  Just remember every thought you have on EH you are going to have to hear from the mouths of your daughters. It won't always be awful though. Its fun when your kids go through a "retro" phase (which they all do, like you did when you went through that 50s phase and played teen angle over and over) and start playing music you listened to. I guess technically I should say music that you listen to since you are actively discovering your music tastes.

Ok, here's one last thing she got wrong. Honestly, you know those geometry classes with Mrs. C you are taking? Or that Humanities class you have that you almost never show up for? Mom and Dad are going to go fight for you to graduate because of that class by the way. (Why do you have to be such a D-Bag all the time?) Well, the long and short of it is that you will NEVER need those classes. They lied. You won't ever need to know about the most common stone in North America or the gestation period of an elephant. Unfortunately they won't realize and start tailoring school around things you will need for a few decades so in the mean time, what Mom & Dad may not have said but I'm sure they are thinking is "Suck it up". You are going to have to do a lot of things in life that you really don't want to and won't need later in life, but you have to suck it up and get those things done to get what you will need. (in this instance it's a diploma but you can extrapolate this to fit many circumstances that will come up.)

The long and the short of things here to remember, Mom's been there and believe it or not she's probably done that. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Go out of your way for her because she has most definitely done that for you. She won't always be there for you, while she is let her know how much she is appreciated.


I will however leave you with one of my favorite songs today. You should appreciate it, our tastes don't change that much over the many years I am writing to you from. Its a little something to look forward to.

With Honesty,

Bigger Little B

Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
REM - Man In The Moon
Meatloaf - You Took the Words Right Outta My Mouth
Tool - 10000 days
Meatloaf - Paradise by the Dashboard Light
Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings
AC/DC - Big Balls
Tesla - Love Song
Megadeth - A Tout Le Monde
Motley Crue - Home Sweet Home
N'Sync - Bye Bye Bye
Les Miserables - On My Own
Les Miserables - Stars
Mark Dinning - Teen Angel
Billy Boyd - The Last Goodbye