I know you want to know about all the juicy bits you have to look forward to, so here is a little info I will throw at you as free advice from someone who knows about it and knows you. This may get a little bit Salt n Pepa up in here.
Hopefully it won't be too much for the faint of heart or get you in trouble incase mom gets ahold of this letter like she did that film case in the top drawer that had your first condom. Not sure if that's happened yet. If not, heads up - don't kid yourself, you can't hide anything from that Sherlock. You may hate it now but DONT. Take a tip because it will help save your own one day.
Depending on when you are at the time this letter reaches you, I may end up repeating some things you have already been through but take a listen because you often see things very differently many years removed from the situation.
You know you have been wanting to join the initiated. At your age that is totally normal and is going to happen soon enough. I'm not going to tell you not to rush it. Quite honestly it is a natural and enjoyable part of life. (maybe jaded advice coming from someone who practices a fertility religion) This is not a conversation you could have with Mom and you are not close enough to any of your sisters to have an honest talk with any of them.
Lets face it, even your friends..... count them off (even the ones you think are so cool and wise - you know who she is).... Haven't done it yet. Well, only one, and you know who she is because she doesn't really talk about it. Don't grill her because if her Mom found out she would go kamikaze on her and believe it or not after some time she will be your friend again and lead you to several unexpected "Aha moments" in your/my most recent years. I'd hate to see you lose the words of wisdom she gives me regularly without even knowing it. (we'll get into Facebook later)
I hate to burst your bubble but that first time, that magical experience that you've read about in the books you hide under your mattress is going to be shit. I don't say that because I want to let you down, I say that because you are a dreamer. You and every other person your age have built it up to be something it is not, especially not to a newbie. You think it is going to fit into one of two different categories.
CATEGORY 1 - Romantic, soft caresses, music playing in the background ended by falling asleep in each others arms in the muted glow of light and panels of silk blowing in the breeze.
CATEGORY 2 - Hot steamy passion, arms and limbs everywhere, ecstasy pulsing through every vein as you claw and paw at every inch of body you can until you are screaming with release.
Sorry kid, this is real life not a movie. The truth is it will be one Christmas night in a parking lot with your friends brother who you had been on a few dates with. It will be awkward, cramped and cold and you will feel disappointed afterwards. The cool thing is that now you got the expectation out of your head it will be much better. You will have a relationship with him for a while and years later will only remember the good times. I can't even tell you why we no longer see each other. I actually looked him up the other day, he actually joined the military and moved to Florida and probably never thinks of you.
Men will come and go in your life and you will learn all sorts of things, try all sorts of things for better or for worse. A few things will remain constant, 1. You will never get it as much as you want it. 2. It will never be as mystical as you imagine it will. 3. You will have a few of those magical moments that make for good non-fiction fodder.
You will eventually come to find out that while it is nice to have memories the juicy bits seem to pale in comparison to other things. I know that seems totally preposterous to you now but it happens to be a fact. Down the road a bit, trust you (me) the things that are more worth it are not the hot and steamy moments before you fell into the deep evening slumber but the guy that brings you coffee in bed when you are waking up. The one who sits on the couch letting you lay in complete comfort on his chest with his arm around you even though it had to have been completely asleep an hour ago.
Believe me baby girl, in the long run whether you like it or not your body is going to be broken to hell. You will not always be "gumby damnit" and the things that last are not the physical. I know that sounds like old people crap.... well it is, but old people learn that in real time. I'm giving you a glimpse of the you yet to come. You will have a lot of fun and heartbreak learning this lesson but will come out the better and stronger person on the other side. I promise when you do finally find the one, you will not be disappointed (even if you do want to bop him in the nose on occasion).
Be patient with yourself, you will always know the right thing to do for you.
In fond memory of your future,
Bigger Little B
Isn't it funny how songs always seem to come to you even when you are on random play? Today's soundtrack brought to you by....
Michael Jackson - Human Nature Fall Out Boy - My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark The Corrs - I know My Love BonJovi - Bed of Roses Def Lepard - Pour Some Sugar on Me B52's - Love Shack Michael Jackson - Will you be there? Flogging Molly - Cruel Mistress Tenacious D - F#%k Her Gently Green Day - American Idiot Wilson Phillips - Reckless Jimmy Buffett - If You Like Pina Coladas Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind Elton John - Tony Danza Tiny Dancer Billy Joel - Vienna JayZ / Linkin Park - Izzo/In the End Elvis Presley - In the Ghetto
It's me again, well you, well bigger you. I wanted to take some time to write to you about one of the most influential people in your life, (believe it or not you stubborn brat) Mom. So much of what she says to you goes in one ear and out the other. Don't roll your eyes as I know you are doing. It's just you and.... well you here. You know you do it.
Here are some things to remember. Mom is your Mother, that being said there are some things I know you don't think about. She is a woman. One who had dreams and ambition and hopes of her own and put them aside to accept the title of Mother. She was you once upon a time. At one point in time she was in high school dating that guy that Grandpa didn't like. She was pretty bad ass, sneaking Dad out the back door so they wouldn't get caught. She used to ride on the back of a motorcycle. Face it you are not even that ballsy.
She spent a lot of years learning to be the woman that yells at you to clean your room or makes you feel 2" tall because although she may not have heard the words you said, she knows by the voice you said them in you are lying about something. She knows you more than you know yourself and she's been through it all, believe me. Learn to talk to her. She will never put you down or not believe in you if you are honest with her. It's something that I hate I didn't learn until many years older than you. Not only was this the cause of more time away from Mom than I wish, it is also the cause of every phone call with her being 3-4 hours long. For her sake and ours, open up to her. She is far smarter than you give her credit for.
There are a lot of things she got right. She found an amazing man and held onto him for dear life. Things between Mom & Dad have not always been great, but you will never believe that because it's not what you see. They have struggled a lot, but through it all they worked together. Love is worth that. I would love to say you are going to find that kind of a guy but the verdict is still out this many years later. If old me can make any sense to young me, take their lead. They don't always agree but they always work it out. You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak if you can take this seed to heart and let it bloom.
Do you want to know another thing she got right? Walk upstairs and look in the oriental basket. Go look at her book shelf. Do you see that silver bowl with the ball of yarn in it next to the chair? With all the things she has to do... work, keep 5 daughters straight, grandchildren (depending on when this reaches you), cleaning, cooking etc.... she still finds time to do the things that make her happy. Dad's no different. Go in the garage and look at the railroad or downstairs to the darkroom. Look at that harpsichord for heavens sake. I can't stress further how important something like this is to help you stay happy and balanced. Find a hobby, something you like to do (and I know you like to do a whole lot of things) and make sure you take the time to make you happy. Do all the things you are supposed to do and some of the things you want to do. Create something. Something you can look at and say "I DID THAT!". All in all, it doesn't matter who is proud of you except you. You owe it to us to allow us that.
I'm sure there are so many more things that she got right but here's one last gem that ties into the next one. Do you ever see her wear rolled up cut off jeans and bobby socks? Are those saddle shoes still in her closet? I know you'd know because you are the only one in the house that raids her shoes because you are the only one with feet big enough. The answer is obviously no. There is a reason for that. Enjoy the fad of the day or more rightly knowing who you/I am the ANTI fad. Those Doc Martins and shaved head are fun while you have them but know they stay where they belong, in the '80s. I know you want me to tell you that you didn't turn into a long haired hippie tree hugging freak like those Earth Day band wagon jumpers, but if it is any consolation I guess that is the ANTI fad now so I've stayed true to character.
Ok, I know you snarky brat. You have been waiting for that list of some of the things that Mom got wrong. I will touch on them a bit here though I am sure there are so many things I will forget as with the brief list before.
The hair. I know I mentioned it before but it begs repeating on the what she got wrong list. You've done everything you can think of with it. Colors that only belong on a rainbow or South American parrot, lengths that society says only belong on an 18 yr old boy at boot camp. Every time you do something new to it, you get chewed out and know you don't get to go out as much as your other sisters because of fear of others opinions. Let me tell you this baby girl, embrace it. Color it. Wear what you will. Soon enough you are going to have to set out in the grown up world. You are going to have to compromise your artistic style and become what others want to see so you can get that job or that rental. Enjoy every bit of what you are while you can. Before you know it, you will have no choice but to look presentable to the masses on the outside.
Engleburt Humperdink. Ok, this one Mom got WAY wrong. To put it plainly, you know how much you laugh because she thinks EH is the greatest? Well you are right to laugh. He's not cool, he's old his music sucks. To you. Just remember these criticisms and commit any comments you have to memory because I can promise you in the not too distant future you will be hearing the same thing about Robert W. Smith, Motley Crue, Axel Rose and many more because they are not "Justin" or "Harry". Just remember every thought you have on EH you are going to have to hear from the mouths of your daughters. It won't always be awful though. Its fun when your kids go through a "retro" phase (which they all do, like you did when you went through that 50s phase and played teen angle over and over) and start playing music you listened to. I guess technically I should say music that you listen to since you are actively discovering your music tastes.
Ok, here's one last thing she got wrong. Honestly, you know those geometry classes with Mrs. C you are taking? Or that Humanities class you have that you almost never show up for? Mom and Dad are going to go fight for you to graduate because of that class by the way. (Why do you have to be such a D-Bag all the time?) Well, the long and short of it is that you will NEVER need those classes. They lied. You won't ever need to know about the most common stone in North America or the gestation period of an elephant. Unfortunately they won't realize and start tailoring school around things you will need for a few decades so in the mean time, what Mom & Dad may not have said but I'm sure they are thinking is "Suck it up". You are going to have to do a lot of things in life that you really don't want to and won't need later in life, but you have to suck it up and get those things done to get what you will need. (in this instance it's a diploma but you can extrapolate this to fit many circumstances that will come up.)
The long and the short of things here to remember, Mom's been there and believe it or not she's probably done that. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Go out of your way for her because she has most definitely done that for you. She won't always be there for you, while she is let her know how much she is appreciated.
I will however leave you with one of my favorite songs today. You should appreciate it, our tastes don't change that much over the many years I am writing to you from. Its a little something to look forward to.
With Honesty,
Bigger Little B
Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody REM - Man In The Moon Meatloaf - You Took the Words Right Outta My Mouth Tool - 10000 days Meatloaf - Paradise by the Dashboard Light Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings AC/DC - Big Balls Tesla - Love Song Megadeth - A Tout Le Monde Motley Crue - Home Sweet Home N'Sync - Bye Bye Bye Les Miserables - On My Own Les Miserables - Stars Mark Dinning - Teen Angel Billy Boyd - The Last Goodbye
