Thursday, September 21, 2017

Summer is gone...

Dear Husband,

Today is September 21, and the first day of fall. The weather is cooling down and the Sun is setting early in the day. How fast this summer has flown. I cannot count the amount of time that I turned to tell you something, or rest home from work to share good news. I've gotten a new job, I've gotten a raise, I busted through my goals for the day, I'm going to Comic Con, the baby is standing on her own.

And then I realize...

You are not there.

Yesterday was three months. Just saying it sounds absurd. Three months ago you were taken away from me. Three months ago you died. It almost feels like a huge practical joke someone is playing on me. With Halloween right around the corner, your favorite holiday, the time is just going too fast.

Little girl is growing up so fast. You would be so proud as she's hitting her milestones. I hope you can see her where you are, though you'll never get to hold her again or hold me.

Somewhere miles from where I stand, a young woman is holding her small child and being told she is loved by her husband. While I'm grateful she's okay, I will never forgive the choice she made that day that took you away from me. You know Facebook is one of my weaknesses, but it is not worth the loss to use it while driving. No one is Bulletproof. No one gets away with it all the time. That day, you lost for a crime that was not your own. That day she got away with causing a chain of events that would take you away from all who knew and loved you.

They always say it won't happen to me. I can handle my phone and driving... and then it does happen. You never saw a penny for your pain, or the many bills that I now have left. I know it wasn't about the money but that would have made the last two years easier while you lingered and suffered.

It's a sunny day today, I choose to focus on that instead of the moment  I held your hand as you slipped into your Forever sleep. Or the fact that the car is still a paper weight and everything we owned is in storage well I still do not have a home.

There is so much that breaks me down and it is hard some days to focus on the positives. Fall is setting in and the trees are starting to turn beautiful colors. I see you in them. This was your favorite time of year. The horror movies are coming out, decorations are everywhere, what costumes shall we have this year my love?

Trying not to feel hollow,

Your wife.

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